Newbie In Need Of Guidance #2

[rminer]

As I mentioned in an earlier post, it has been an interesting week and a half.

My W and I had a text exchange two weeks ago today, and she started bringing up R stuff. She said a few things in the exchange and has both said and done a few things since that has me curious as to what is going on and what she is thinking.

It was a fairly long exchange, so I am going to give the highlights to keep it shorter.

As a recap:

Her vehicle was having issues and she was complaining about it. I had a place I was going to have it towed to that evening, but when she started complaining I told her she could drive it herself. I didn’t actually think she would, but she did and broke down when she was driving it there. This is after I tried the most common repair for the issue myself. I got an angry phone call and then some angry texts.

I started out strong, keeping her in “her place” not taking her cr@p, but then things started to go to the R. She said things like “I can’t do this anymore,” “You never hear what I am saying,” “I talk and you do whatever you want,” and “You’re in control of everything and I feel like I have no voice in anything important.” Typical things that a WW will say.
She went on to say that she was very hurt over the incident in the car, which I did not respond to and that “Sometimes I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

She then said that I went from not really paying attention to her to three weeks of being thoughtful and now just being mad at her all of the time (these three weeks she is referring to was before I found DB). She brought up that I said I wasn’t going to give up on her and was going to show her that I love her some way (again, before I got here).

She went on to say that “I’m terribly hurt and don’t think we can fix this marriage anymore. Seems like you give up and so do I. I won’t leave because of the kids, but I cannot do this forever.”

I stumbled a bit, as I said in my previous post, by telling her I understand she feels that way, telling her we both hurt, she does not communicate with me anymore, our conversations are restricted to business only and I do value her opinion. I also mentioned some things she had done that seemed to be directed at hurting me such as throwing away her birthday card. She gave me a surprise response to this and said that she didn’t throw the birthday card away, and that she “wouldn’t do that.” I finished the R part of the conversation by saying that our marriage can be saved if we are both willing to do it.

From there it was back to me being stronger after realizing what I was doing.

The recurring theme in her messages since this began is basically what I posted above, but she always seems to bring up me not hearing her, not doing things with her and the three weeks I gave her a ton of attention.


Now the interesting part. At least to me.


The next day, it was a typical day between us – minimal talking, business only. Because her vehicle was in the shop, she drove me to work that day and Saturday so she could go grocery shopping and get the kids where they needed to be. When she picked me up, she was in a good mood, singing to the radio when I got in. Conversation was minimal the rest of the day though. Saturday morning on the way to work, there was almost nothing said – just typical pleasantries. When she picked me up Saturday evening it was a different story.

When I got in the car, she immediately asked how my day was; I didn’t give a long reply and asked the same of her. The rest of the way home, she talked to me like normal. We had a pleasant conversation about a lot of things, but nothing personal. It was limited to traffic, kids, weather, how her friend needs to divorce her husband (ironically, for treating her the same way my W is treating me, minus the A). At one point she said “I need to steal your car tonight to go to “restaurant” with “friend’s name.” I gave her the “seriously?” look. In my mind I had figured out why she was being so nice. The rest of the ride she kept talking like we used to.

When we got home, she was still talking and in a good mood. When W went in the bedroom, D14 asked me what was up with W. I said she’s been really nice since she picked me up. D14 responded “she wants your car,” so I wasn’t the only one thinking it. W asked again, and I was expecting a battle. I told her “no” because I had promised D14 and S8 that I would take them to a movie that night. She said “ok, could you drop me off then and ‘friend’s name’ will give me a ride home.” I said that that didn’t work for me. A few minutes later, she said her friend was picking her up, so not to worry about it and was not mad at all. I watched out the window when she left, and it was her friend, not the OM.

The next day I was off and was putting on my clothes to work outside when my W offered to make me breakfast. I said “that would be nice” and thanked her. After I ate, I thanked her again. The rest of the day was the same way. She was nice, joking and talkative. This continued for the rest of the week. She talked, joked, made sure she made enough food for everyone for dinner and started paying more attention to S8 and D14. We never talked about “us” or alone, but she was almost like her old self. She text me every day, which is something she hadn’t been doing. Every text was only business though, and I continued to wait to acknowledge them and gave short replies. The first night of the event we went to where the OM was there, we had a lot of snow so the roads were bad. She asked me to be careful like she still cared about my safety.

Saturday rolled around and she was fine until midafternoon. This is when she announced that she was going out with “friend’s name” again. Because of the vehicle repair and a few unexpected expenses, funds were very, very low. I asked how she was planning on paying for it. “Money” was the response. I told her that wasn’t a good enough answer and she said that she had some cash. I then said that going out with almost no money in the bank and not enough food in the house for the next week was not a good idea. I also told her the kids should be the priority. She came back with “Oh, that’s right, I don’t do anything for the kids. I was up until 3am getting things ready for the event today while you were sleeping.” I simply replied “I didn’t say you don’t do anything for the kids, but going out when there is no money for food is not fair to the kids.” That was the end of the conversation. She did not talk to me the rest of the day, and, of course went out anyway.

The next day, Sunday, she was a little grumpy in the morning, but as the day went on she got back to being like she was the week before. She continued being nice, talking and making sure there was enough food makde the next three days. She even served me birthday cake twice. She hasn’t done anything like that since November.

One of the days, I can't remember which, my W, D14, D18 and S8 were in the kitchen talking and one of the kids said that they loved snow, just not the cold. My W looks at me and says "I hate the cold too. When are you going to get me out of this God forsaken state?" I answered "I always though that would happen when our parents are gone." She came back with "I only see my mother once a year as it is. I can do that from anywhere I live, so we can go right now."

Then came Valentine’s Day. I was off, so I saw her when she woke up on the couch. She was playing on her phone and I said “good morning.” She didn’t reply. Later, I said something to her again. No response. I noticed she had headphones in, so I thought maybe she hadn’t heard me earlier, so I waived at her to get her attention. She took out the headphone and I asked if S8 still had Karate today. She was short and not very nice with her response and said “if he wants to go.” She was the same way the rest of the day and right back to the way she was two weeks ago. We did not acknowledge that it was Valentine’s Day with each other. In full disclosure, I did come and go from home a few times to run errands and I did not tell her I was leaving or where I was going.

This morning she sends a text “Thanks for fixing the sink. Please don’t pretend like you want to work on anything with me though. You obviously can’t stand to even be around me.”


A couple of questions on this.


Why did she start being nice to me and the kids? Was it something I said? Guilt? Lure me back in? Insanity? I initially thought that maybe she thought about what I said and decided to wade back in, but now I’m not so sure.


She said a few things throughout the week that indicated she still had feelings. When she said that she didn’t throw away her birthday card, she also said that she WOULDN’T do that. Why wouldn’t she if we are through.


Why would she be thinking of the future with me by moving to another state? Is this just idle talk or a hint?


She told me to be careful driving. She hasn’t shown ANY concern for my health or safety since this all began. Why the momentary change of heart?


Almost two weeks of niceness and back to venom? Is she mad that I skipped Valentine’s Day? It has never been a major thing for us – ever. Usually just exchange cards.


During this time was she trying to tell me she wanted to talk and I missed it? She never once said she did, and all of our conversations were in front of and/or involved the kids. We never got close to the R subject in that time and never talked about anything personal. We were never alone at any time. Was she waiting for me to make a move?


Is this all part of the “normal” process?


I know that she is not the woman I M. Not even close. I can’t comprehend how she could change so much, but I am taking your word for it. I’m trying to understand it, but this is unlike anything I have ever seen.


Accuray, I know you have answered some of these questions in my previous post and I thank you. I am not discounting your answers in any way. Please keep answering my posts with your views as I do value them.


I would, however, like sandi’s views on this as well since she once walked the path my W is.