Newbie In Need Of Guidance #2

[sandi2]

I know my W, and I could easily see her saying "You've known this long and didn't say anything? You obviously don't care about this marriage."

I don't mean to sound as if I am telling you that you don't know your W. I am trying to tell you that the wayward mindset does not go in the direction you described above. Oh, she might throw something at you that's just as crazy sounding......but it will be to get herself out of the hot seat and put you it in it. Nowhere is the thinking you've described above, the mindset of a WW. In fact, I have my first time to hear of anyone report that's how his WW responded when she was confronted about an A.

I don't know that you have a full concept of the depth that your W has changed, not only her behavior, but her way of thinking. She is not the girl you M. This change in her did not happen overnight. It was slowly a work in progress. Seeds of unresolved resentment were planted in her heart, and those took root to bear other negative feelings, including disrespect toward you as her H. For the most part, you did not know about it......or at least, to the extent. Most women who try to be a good W will not reveal that she has those type of issues in her heart. Nevertheless, it was brewing. Eventually, something happens.......maybe just the daily grind of life......but she crosses a line that can't be ignored.

She is not going to be upset at you for not calling her out about an A sooner! She is cheating.........and that's not the way cheaters think or operate. I'm not saying she won't try to find something to make you out to be the bad guy, b/c the WW wants to feel justified in doing what she's doing........but I highly doubt she is going to get mad b/c you kept things to yourself. In fact, she is counting on your old passivity. She is not expecting you to do anything unusual. If you should discover her A, she figures you won't say anything, or it won't go beyond a discussion......and you'll be back to you old passive style.

IMHO, I think what you really mean, is that she'll be upset that you didn't fight for the M, by stopping her in her tracks. Again, this is not how waywards think. They don't want you fighting for the M. That's why they keep the A private. Most of them want out of the MR, so why would they want their S fighting to save it? They want to keep their A secret for a reason. Trust me, this is no ploy she has in making you spring into action and fight OM for the honor of your W. And, if she should tell you she only wanted to make you jealous.........she's lying.

Anyway, you must stop this type of useless doubting of what she's likely to think or feel. Until you learn more about the mindset of a WW........you will be as far off target as you could get.

Misunderstanding her mindset is just one of the reasons I told you to prepare as if going into war. Never underestimate your WW, and think she won't stoop lowly and take full advantage of you and your love. She already has. Never fool yourself by assuming her love for you or the kids will bring her back. Never think if you'll just show her how much you care for her, it will change her mind and turn her back around. Never fall into the trap of believing that being her friend, while she is having an A, will win you back into her heart.

I know this must be very difficult for you. The whole thing must seem bizzarr. You never dreamed this could be your W, right? I never dreamed it could be me, either. The better educated you are about the wayward mindset, the better you will be equipped to deal with it more successfully.

BTW, I have a few threads on the subject of the WW's mindset, if you are interested. It might give you a little insight from the WW point of view.