Rebuilding my life (ILYBNILWY? IDGAF 2)

[EastTN]

But you came on here and said that you thought she should have approached you differently. Or that you would have just informed vs trying to switch.

I did do that, didn't I? Hell, I don't know, I probably AM being a bit oversensitive. Or at least idealistic. I really didn't have a problem with what she said or how she said it (to start), there wasn't anything wrong with it. I DID mean what I said: if there was something cool for D to do on a weekend that I wasn't going to have her, I'd chalk it up to "well, crap, I don't get to do that with her" and maybe mention it to XW so she could. I guess I'm just frustrated with the fact that sometimes it seems like XW really doesn't get this whole "divorce" thing.

What are your thoughts on swapping weekends as a general practice? In my opinion, that means youll have D 2 weekends in a row, which would put her at what, 18 days in a row without seeing her mom? That seems crazy to me. I dont know enough details, but I imagine that XW or D wouldnt be super excited about that.

If we were EOW, I'd agree, but I get 3rd and 5th weekends. Swapping weekends doesn't seem like it has any real consequences. And yeah, 18 days is crazy, and *I* am not down for that. I gave (not traded) XW one of my days between end of school and Christmas to keep that from happening (would have been 15 days). The idea of D losing touch with XW isn't a happy one for me. I might want her out of MY life, but I'd never want her out of D's.

If you asked for time to take D to XYZ and it was a limited time offer to get tickets, and XW said 'maybe' and then took a couple days to confirm, and by then the tix were gone....Im sure you would be upset about it too. "How hard can this be?" "Why cant she just answer the question?" etc etc. Look through the actual words and try to empathize.

Fair enough. I really don't think you go from "front row center" to "only crap seats" available in a few days for an event where tickets have been on sale for weeks, but I get your point. I'd be upset, too.

I understand. Im in the same boat. The frequency is way lower than what youre seeing, so the resulting impact seems a lot less, but the sentiments are pretty similar. I can do 10 things right and one thing wrong and instead of "thanks for doing all of those things", I get spew about the one thing.

Thats your choice. When my ex will say similar things to me, my GF gets very upset saying "you dont deserve that" and "shes such a b$%@#" and the like. To me, I know that she is just projecting her anger on to me. It isnt about me...its about her. Same as your XW. Like Vapo has said to you many times "water off a ducks back"...thats because it isnt about you...at all. She is doing it to get at you, and because its working, shes going to KEEP doing it.

I appreciate that insight. So how do you keep it from getting to you? How do you keep it from working its way into your new relationship (you're talking to your GF about it since she's commenting, right?) I get that it's about her and not me, but damn, everytime I find a center and just start ignoring a particular line of BS and think she's out of buttons she finds a new one to push.

When we go back to court, I'm going to ask my L to ask the judge for OFW or something similar with direct communications reserved for emergencies.

At this point, does it matter that its an AP? I mean, youre in another relationship for a while now. Whether or not he was around at the time of your breakup doesnt really matter anymore. Im not suggesting you need to like this guy or hang out with him. But I worry on some level, your resentment towards him reflects your feelings towards XW.

I don't think about him much, honestly. I did in the past. I had all sorts of fantasies about him getting what he "deserved." Once he was in D's life, that mostly went away, since whatever happens to him affects D at this point. I even encourage D's relationship with him.I see him at pickup sometimes, I hear him on the phone sometimes when D talks to her mom (D actually wanted to call HIM one day, and I just handed her my phone), and I really don't care. It's just "meh" at this point. That doesn't mean I want a picture of him in my house playing happy family with what used to be my family.

You know, the funny thing is I largely feel sorry for him. Everything I see (which TBH isn't much) about him and XW looks A LOT like what XW and I had at the start. I figure he's on track to have all of what came later for me, too. IF I wanted something bad to happen to him, I can't imagine much worse than that--karma will likely be a real thing for him. And that's the part that's funny--I don't WANT him to go through that, because it means D goes through it again, too.

As Ginger has said repeatedly, having a loosey-goosey parenting plan where you sit as the primary caretaker and appear to 'dole out' parenting time to XW as you see fit is a difficult way to sustain a friendly relationship. Any time XW feels slighted by the 'system' or the 'situation', its YOUR fault, not the lawyers or the courts or the government or whatever. YOU are the face of what is keeping D from her. You are so worried to 'rock the boat', but what you are doing now ISNT WORKING. So what choice is there?

My point is that your parenting plan says she can have D any time she wants on the weekdays. So, a snow day comes up (on a weekday), she asks for time, and you tell her no. As I wrote above, this puts YOU as the bad guy. I would be livid if I tried to exercise my right to 'weekday time' and was blocked 'just because'.

L is working on that now, we'll see what happens. I agree that what we originally came up with plain doesn't work and is just adding to the misery. Changing that is a priority. It will still be months before anything happens, though.

As for the "any time on the weekdays" it's actually "after school." Subtle difference, I guess, but I think important. And yeah, I agree this "doling out" is stupid and [censored]. I was hoping it wouldn't be that way, the plan isn't written passively, it's XW SAYS "I'm getting D tomorrow after school" and as long as there are no conflicts (she can't take her out of school events or extra curriculars) it's her time.

Next week was supposed to be winter break. It got cancelled (too many snow days). XW texted me and asked if she got D on Sunday. I told her what happened (I updated our calendar, but I guess she didn't look) and to my surprise, no drama, she just asked if she could take her to Girl Scouts on Monday. Said Yes (wanted to say "of course" but I think I add to the drama when I talk like that). I LIKE when XW takes her to Scouts after "my" weekends, it means she doesn't have to go so long between seeing her.

It's still ludicrous to me that you and XW are texting basically daily to arrange these phone calls for a 7 year old. My kids are around the same age - theres no way I would be engaging in texts wth their mom EVERY DAY, and I guess, often twice a day. I cant help but think that a part of you wants or needs this contact for something.

This is all her, not me. Yeah, I can "not respond" but I feel like not responding to a polite "hey, can D call?" as opposed to an angry accusation is just being an ahole. Otherwise? Do not want.

That sounds so incredibly passive. Where are YOUR boundaries? It feels like anytime XW wants, she can suck you back in. Having "XW-free days" feels like just ignoring the issues until the next day. Frankly, I dont see her going away until you have a very clear and defined parenting agreement in place.

I think my boundaries are still ill defined, but I think I'm getting better. To be honest, I'm still learning (maybe relearning? I remember being different a long time ago) how to be a healthy human being. I can keep XW out of my personal space, I can NOT respond to most of what she throws at me, I don't feel compelled to answer whatever she asks, or tell her about my life, or ask her about hers, or any of that crap.

The point of the "XW free days" isn't to kick the can, it's to make them last longer and longer. GF and I have had XW intruding into our lives for most of our relationship, and she ends up being the elephant in the room too often. So this is us getting the elephant out. GF still has questions, and she still worries sometimes. The amount of contact XW still have isn't lost on her. So there HAS to be an outlet here where she can feel safe and talk about that, which means NON-XW free days still have to be around for a while. It made sense when my C and I talked about it, anyway, and GF seems enthusiastic about the idea, so we'll try it.

And yeah, I think she's not going to go away any time soon (regardless of parenting agreement). TBH I think at some point, she'll get bored (I'm trying really hard to be boring) and start making OM's life hell instead... and at THAT point, I think she'll be gone. Still passive, I know, but I don't really have any strategies to deal with this. Even my 1st XW wasn't anything like this (though I was able to go full NC with her with no issues, since no kids). I asked C to think about this one, and maybe give me a referral to someone who might be better equipped to help.

What kind of relationship do you foresee with XW? What kind of relationship do you actually want?

You know, what I WANTED was one of those "easy coparenting" relationships that some people seem to have. Easy back and forth. No drama. No issue with one or the other entering the house (invited). Just something that a child could look at and feel secure, and I could look at and think "yeah, you screwed me over, but this is about D and not me."

After a year of this s---? The kind of relationship I want is "none." Her as far out of my life as she can get while still being in D's the maximum amount. Sit on opposite sides of the auditorium at the school play kind of relationship. Don't call me, send me a message on the website kind of relationship. And THEN, maybe once that settles down and I don't feel AFRAID of what she's going to do next? Then we can go back and try the first one again, and see if that can happen.