You make really good points. Yes I am guilty of thinking that if I did nice things to make her feel loved that it would result in intimacy. But that is because that is what she told me! Yes maybe I telegraphed that and she knew the purpose behind it. I've learned over the years to try to show her love just because I love her, not because I want sex. But I was 30 years-old in the story I told, been married for almost a year and was averaging < 1 time per month of sex. I was admittedly horny.
On your last point, I think my situation is a little different than most in that she is 50% wanting out and 50% wanting to stay. When I pull back the 50% wanting out draws towards me, but the 50% wanting to stay is hurt. When I am affectionate, attentive, and present the 50% wanting out is pushed away, the 50% wanting to stay is comforted and assured.
My wife is a bit atypical, and maybe it is because I caught it before her heart was completely gone. When I confronted her about the EA in Dec, she said she wanted a divorce. I begged, pleaded, reasoned, all the things you are supposed not to do. The next day she was very affectionate to me (Christmas Eve). Sitting close, holding my hand, rubbing my back, putting her arm around me. Later when I pointed this out she said it was because she could tell I was hurting.
By dec 26th I had read MWD, and others, and I started letting go. Immediately she started to hedge on her decision. She said at one point "I was hoping to wait until after the holidays so I could see if the excitement of getting a job, getting my own apartment and moving out would subside."
So you can see I am in a merged situation where neither tactic really work 100%, but they both seem to work.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
