Rebuilding my life (ILYBNILWY? IDGAF 2)

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No, she was absolutely reasonable in her request to take D to the Disney thing and I totally was on board with swapping weekends.

But you came on here and said that you thought she should have approached you differently. Or that you would have just informed vs trying to switch.

What are your thoughts on swapping weekends as a general practice? In my opinion, that means youll have D 2 weekends in a row, which would put her at what, 18 days in a row without seeing her mom? That seems crazy to me. I dont know enough details, but I imagine that XW or D wouldnt be super excited about that.

But then I get yelled at for not responding immediately (unless it's urgent and/or important I respond to her on MY time, not her time), then called high and mighty because I said our plans weren't fixed? THAT is the part that upset me, and that's what puts me off. She still wants to control me, and I resent the hell out of it.

Youre allowed to be pissed with the way she is reacting. If someone spoke to me like that regularly, Id be pissed too. Im just suggesting you see it the other way. If you asked for time to take D to XYZ and it was a limited time offer to get tickets, and XW said 'maybe' and then took a couple days to confirm, and by then the tix were gone....Im sure you would be upset about it too. "How hard can this be?" "Why cant she just answer the question?" etc etc. Look through the actual words and try to empathize.

It's rare that there's anything approaching a "normal" conversation (and that BUGS me--I know this is my D's mom, and I STILL feel after all of this that there needs to be SOMETHING here for D's benefit, but all I get is hate and I just want to run the hell away from it.

I understand. Im in the same boat. The frequency is way lower than what youre seeing, so the resulting impact seems a lot less, but the sentiments are pretty similar. I can do 10 things right and one thing wrong and instead of "thanks for doing all of those things", I get spew about the one thing. What kind of relationship do you foresee with XW? What kind of relationship do you actually want?

I don't think I can overstate just HOW MESSED UP I feel from the constant anger, and accusations, and little things like I feel are done JUST to get at me

Thats your choice. When my ex will say similar things to me, my GF gets very upset saying "you dont deserve that" and "shes such a b$%@#" and the like. To me, I know that she is just projecting her anger on to me. It isnt about me...its about her. Same as your XW. Like Vapo has said to you many times "water off a ducks back"...thats because it isnt about you...at all. She is doing it to get at you, and because its working, shes going to KEEP doing it.

(again, who the heck thinks that sending pictures of the affair partner home with your kid is "OK" in any way?)

At this point, does it matter that its an AP? I mean, youre in another relationship for a while now. Whether or not he was around at the time of your breakup doesnt really matter anymore. Im not suggesting you need to like this guy or hang out with him. But I worry on some level, your resentment towards him reflects your feelings towards XW.

How can I try to practice empathy and validate ANYTHING she says when I'm practically being abused, treated like a monster and can't trust that ANYTHING that she says is true?

I believe that there is no excuse for the way she is treating you. I dont think that the situation she placed herself into is any reason to treat you as she is. That said, I do think her actions are based on the feelings that she has around the situation.

As Ginger has said repeatedly, having a loosey-goosey parenting plan where you sit as the primary caretaker and appear to 'dole out' parenting time to XW as you see fit is a difficult way to sustain a friendly relationship. Any time XW feels slighted by the 'system' or the 'situation', its YOUR fault, not the lawyers or the courts or the government or whatever. YOU are the face of what is keeping D from her. You are so worried to 'rock the boat', but what you are doing now ISNT WORKING. So what choice is there?

The advice I got was "stop trying to coparent, and start parallel parenting" and "stick to the schedule, it will help" and that's what I've been trying. I took off of work when school closed because I was supposed to care for D on those days (and I got to spend A TON of time with her that wasn't all work! I see D like three hours a day, and almost all of it is "work parent" time--homework, and cooking, etc. Very little of it is fun time. D and I never get to go to the park. D and I never get to watch a movie. I rarely get to see her run around and just be a kid! I LIVE for my weekends with her (four every three months), when we get to DO things just to do them. Snow days are like those weekend days). And what the hell does it say if I tell XW "yeah, I gotta work, so sure, take the time with D?" She's her mom, not a babysitter, and no matter how I feel I ain't going to treat her that way.

My point is that your parenting plan says she can have D any time she wants on the weekdays. So, a snow day comes up (on a weekday), she asks for time, and you tell her no. As I wrote above, this puts YOU as the bad guy. I would be livid if I tried to exercise my right to 'weekday time' and was blocked 'just because'.

I also got D to talk to her mom last night (XW sent me a text asking if D wanted to talk. D had told me she didn't, but I told XW that she was in the bath, wait a minute to call me, I'd try to get her talking, and I'd leave the room. It worked, both of them seemed happy as hell, XW sent a text thanking me).

It's still ludicrous to me that you and XW are texting basically daily to arrange these phone calls for a 7 year old. My kids are around the same age - theres no way I would be engaging in texts wth their mom EVERY DAY, and I guess, often twice a day. I cant help but think that a part of you wants or needs this contact for something.

Truthfully? I don't even know HOW to plan something like this. My C suggested that GF and I have "XW free days" where we simply do not allow her to be a presence in our lives, discuss her at all, etc. It's worked well, for the most part. Beyond that? I continue to hope that she'll just plain get tired of me at some point and leave me the hell alone.

That sounds so incredibly passive. Where are YOUR boundaries? It feels like anytime XW wants, she can suck you back in. Having "XW-free days" feels like just ignoring the issues until the next day. Frankly, I dont see her going away until you have a very clear and defined parenting agreement in place.