Well, the relationship between your W and OM is not natural. He is probably doing a lot of sweet talking to her and building her ego. That rocks along for a while, where they are flirting and feeding each other's ego. If they are together enough, she will start to see his Beta. Unless they work on some project, are thrown together is a community situation, she may not have a good opertunity to observe it. But don't let what the OM has or doesn't have become your focus.
Right now, you need to work a an alternative plan to use if you decide to confront your W. I tell H's they can expect anything at confrontation. That is when most women give the bomb drop and claim they have not be in love for years. They do 't want to be in the M, but they don't want to leave the house. Whatever you decide, DO NOT AGREE TO IN-HOUSE SEPARATION. IT LIKE LIVING ON DEATH ROW. Whatever arrangements can made be made........do not stay under the same roof together.
You may want to check about your house, how easily it might sell, or what you would need to do. Also check with a lawyer to see how or if it hurts your case by leaving the house (if the WW absolutely refuses to budge). Depending on the severity of the living conditions, men often have to make choices as to which is the worst hell. Know what I mean?
If you approach you W about her affair, you need to be prepared for her deny everything and claim they "are just friends". But in many cases, this is the time the W will announce that she has been unhappy for a long time and has been considering taking time off........or whatever ridiculous excuse she uses.
And some come out with both guns, ready for a show down. She may demand to know your source of information.........but do NOT give it to her, and never tell her how you knew about the affair.
Have your ducks in order, b/c that will help you feel more organized and confident. If she should break down a cry and say she's sorry, etc. Take it all with a big grain of salt, b/c she is more sorry about getting caught. You can ask her if she is willing to end all contact with the other man........forever, and never see him again. And ask her if she is willing to work with you to save the M, and to go to MC of your choosing. If she is.....fine, everyone goes home. If not, then you tell her to find another place to stay, and you go home. None of this is anything in stone, but it makes a reasonable statement, and I would think........shake up your WW just a little.
No matter how anything goes, you need to act cool and as if you have an ace up your sleeve. Don't show all your cards to her. Which doesn't seem normal when you are M to the woman, but these are not normal times, and you need to stay a step ahead of her. Most H'sare not mentally prepared for the W's behavior, or something she throws at him. H's are always saying she caught him totally unaware. So, I'm telling to expect the worst, and have all your bases covered.
Here's the biggest lie we here the most used in these situations with the WW and OM. She claims they are only friends. The H should stand up to her and say, "Then if I am not comfortable with you having a friendship with another man......you have no problem deleting this friendship, for the sake of our M, right"? And this is when she starts claiming the H should have no right to tell her who she can friends with and who she can't. Ahhhh, she gives herself away. What loving W would choose a friend -ship over her marriage relation.ship ? Only a wayward W who has a hidden agenda with her new "friend". And it takes priority over her husband.
So, if you confront her, prepare as if you were going into war (I mean to be prepared for anything). Do not attack, and don't approach when your anger is too high. It is important to think calmly and use your grit. It is more important that she sees you being a strong, confident man in charge, rather than a soft, forgivng weakling that she can wrap around her finger by shedding a few tears. She may react quietly and announce she's been thinking of a D for a long time. But generally, the stories we hear on the board do not go that easily. Let me remind once more, never reveal your source of intell. Even years after you reconcile, don't tell her.
If she up on her high horse too much, and she is getting out of hand, making threats, etc., It's time to shut it down. I've heard of women calling the cops for the least little thing, or make some trumped up charges against her H. When is something going to be done about this men? When is law enforcement going to start helping the H's and fathers, instead of automatically believing the woman's story?
Anyway, as you can see, there is a lot to consider when you confront your spouse about OM.
It seldom settles anything, but opens the door to further stuff.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
