This is difficult. The closest thing I got to an apology for the affair (while it was happening) was her saying "I didn't think it would hurt you this much." I can almost laugh at this now though it's so crazy. Her threatening and trying to take the kids away from me though, much worse than the affair and not a word to me about it. There's no reason to have done that to me and I don't know if I will ever get over it. I still have those moments where I have to get calmed down and remind myself no one is taking them from me. Sometimes I think she may have remorse deep in there somewhere, then other times I really don't think she believes she did anything wrong. Maybe it varies but I think it's probably the later. It's wrong for everyone else but her (maybe she is turning into her mom).
I wanted to journal a few things while they're on my mind (lots of drive time again). She was running late and asked if I could pick up the kids from daycare after work yesterday. She came over to get them and s wanted to take my iPad w/him. He had a little fit and I almost gave in. After he walked into the garage xw says he doesn't need it and I said I know and did the fish hook sign and said I felt bad. Then xw tells me "when you're dead and empty on the inside like me then you don't feel bad about things like this." Maybe not the direct quote but close. I think I just kind of went uughhmm. It totally caught me off guard. What a horrible thing to say and horrible attitude about life.
Earlier that morning she called about something and was telling me about freaking out on a lady in a car that almost hit her. Then while telling me she starts yelling and said it almost happened again with the the same car on my street then said she's coming back by when she was parked in front of my house. Nice.. She was all worked up and I had to tell her to calm down and not let it ruin her day. So much anger in her, it has to be exhausting.
I had to go out of town again this week and asked xw if she could watch the dogs like we have been. She was doing the same for MLC friend the last few days and was complaining a little. I told her it was okay and I would figure something else out, then she said no it was okay. This happened three or four times before I left. The last time I told her I would see if my dad would be in town and if he would house sit. She told me no again and I told her she was complaining about it, she said she wasn't and she wanted to do it. Idk whatever I guess lol.
I had a bit of a realization tonight that I'm not as detached as I thought. I was having trouble hearing the kids on the phone. I had to hang up and call back and xw's vm answered and she changed it and is using her maiden name. Idk why this hit me like a punch in the stomach but it did. Thankfully not too long though. I've seen it change back and forth on school forms for the kids and this doesn't matter one bit. In fact I expected it 2 years ago, since I was such a terrible person and all. I can already feel myself letting go of this, but it unexpectedly hurt a little.
