Wife on antidepressants, acting strange!

[sandi2]

She is a runner. She will run away from conflict and people she disappoints every chance she gets. She doesn't handle stress well, and feels that once she disappoints a person there is no way to rebuild solid footing. Which is a lot of our problems. I think part of it is that she holds grudges herself. So she assumes others can't get over past grievances either. (I know, antithetical to Christian doctrine of sin and forgiveness.)

I do not recommend that you out your W to the church.......(unless she has a role of leadership, then you might have to approach the pastor to talk to her). I don't think outting her to the church, will solve any of the M problems.

She does seem to have recognized her problem and does seem to want to correct it. However, she still has this tug of wanting what she wants, regardless of whom it hurts. Wayward for sure. I think I caught it before it was full on scorched earth, but she has set up so many fantasy for what her future life can be that she can't seem to want to face the truth of reality.

It's the taboo that was alluring to me. As I said, I had always been a very good girl growing up. I was a virgin when I married, and didn't drink or smoke......or even say ugly words. I was very devoted to the Christian way of life. It was when I was feeling at my lowest in the MR, that I stuck my toe over the line, and that's all it took to suk me into activity that thrived on lust. Feeling so numb had left me vulnerable, but in spite of the meds and the other conditions.......I still knew what I was doing. I had free will, and I chose to do what I did. But yes, I found what I had previously seen as a "bad girl", very alluring. In time, however, the truth that been instilled in my heart spoke to me. One night I felt desperate to talk to someone about my feelings. I started searching the Internet for a Christian chat room. I had never been on a forum in my life. I found one, but I guess the timing was wrong, b/c they were cutting up and not taking me seriously. So, I checked out and searched some more. That's when I found the DB board. I wanted people to talk straight to me. I did not need cuddling, but I wanted someone to understand.

When your W reaches the place that she is open to receiving information, then she can learn about what is happening to her....and why.....and what she needs to do...... and what will happen if she chooses not to take the advice. Not as a threat, but just to educate. It is her decision in how she chooses to go. I am not allowed to give the name of the book, but I read a non-religious book written about women's infidelity. It really got my attention, enough that it sort of scared me at the possible final results for a woman staying on the course I was headed.

Her "willingness" is more important than her "want to" at the present time. If she is willing to get the information, then there is hope something will open her eyes. I am not referring to Christian material, necessarily. Most people who are engaged in this type of activity puts up a wall toward anything relative to "thou shalt" and "thou shalt not", b/c they are in rebellion. Your W is rebelling against her MR. For me, reading secular information worked well, b/c I didn't have the walls up as much.

I first learned how affairs (EA, PA, or IA) are addictive, and how it releases brain chemicals similar to what we felt when we fell in love. The body responds in the same way. It's like a high you get from drugs, and it is addictive. So, once the high dies down, you have to make contact with the source that gave you such a great feeling. If you stop the affair, and/or end all contact with the source.......you will experience strong cravings/desire to make contact again. You need a fix! If you don't get a fix, you will experience withdrawals. If I had not received this information before I ended my A, I don't know if I would have made it through the withdrawals. It was terrible, and my depression only got worse. But, I did get through it, thanks to God and the great DB mentors I had back then.

Some women may be too reluctant to even read about the information. If the H pushes it on her, she may resist b/c she is rebelling against him. So, he is in a delicate position. And some women are so hard hearted that they seem to not care if there are devastating consequences for her.....or anyone else. These are the most difficult to reach or to deal with, b/c of their hardness. And again, these hard women are usually the ones who will not be receptive to any form of shaming, brow beating, threats, or preachy type lectures. They will not be pressured into reading/hearing information......or to change their ways. They know they are wrong, so telling them they are bad/wrong does no good. But if they feel they are choosing to read an article, or whatever, b/c they are curious or interested.....then I think there is more hope of it impacting them.

but she has set up so many fantasy for what her future life can be that she can't seem to want to face the truth of reality.

Fantasy was my hardest part to overcome. So, how does one fight another person's fantasy? The only way is to use reality. Life will have to provide most of it. But, there are a few things you can do, also. We can discuss it, as you post more.

And the turning 50 next month seems to be a big sticking point for her as well.

Well, society doesn't help us with the age thingy. Is she one who lets it really bother her, or is more about her looks showing her age? Does she talk a lot about life being short? Has she lost someone in death recently? Someone really close? Is there any event you know about that could have triggered this sudden change in your W?

My suggestion for now, is to stop using the term MLC in connection with her. Just b/c she is turning 50 does not mean she is having a MLC. Just b/c she's having a crisis does not mean it is the same as a MLC is defined. Maybe that makes no sense to you. She might actually be having a MLC. IMHO, I think most MLC for women are related to a childhood trauma that was never dealt with properly. So, unless you know of some life changing event that took place when she was growing up........I wouldn't jump into diagnosing her with MLC just yet.

Sometimes I wonder if it is too much to overcome? Anyone know how long a typical female MLC lasts?

Let me put it this way. You had better hope you are dealing with a wayward W! Waywardness is a choice. It is based on resentment, disrespect and rebellion. Her own selfishness and anger motivates her behavior. (That is a simple description). For a woman in true MLC, it is more complicated. It usually involves some psychological issues connected to her past. The crisis can be triggered by the death of someone close, or some other event (like facing her own mortality) that causes the unresolved issues to influence her current behavior. The crisis can last for years and then go into replay. I hope for everyone's sake, especially hers, that it is not a MLC. If turning 50 brings about this type of crisis, then I suggest she gets phscological treatment as soon as possible. Only, she probably won't agree.

The major differences I see in the two type of crisis: Waywardness is an issue with the heart. MLC is an issue with the past. One has actions based on anger, the other has actions based on fear. That's JMHO.