I think maybe I used the wrong words. To me, her original request wasnt particularly offensive. But you came in here really upset by even the wording of her original question. To me, it is as though you are so put off by everything else shes doing/saying that even reasonable requests seem outlandish and rude
No, she was absolutely reasonable in her request to take D to the Disney thing and I totally was on board with swapping weekends. But then I get yelled at for not responding immediately (unless it's urgent and/or important I respond to her on MY time, not her time), then called high and mighty because I said our plans weren't fixed? THAT is the part that upset me, and that's what puts me off. She still wants to control me, and I resent the hell out of it. If it sounds like I'm upset in these messages, I often am, and this is my outlet. I treat this place like my journal (and hey, like Tom Riddle's diary, it talks back). I express that resentment here, but NOT to her (she doesn't EVER get to know that she can make me feel hurt or anger or anything else) and NEVER to/in front of D. I save it for here.
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I dont mean to sound like Im on her side or that Im saying youre doing anything 'wrong'. My point is more that we should stop and think about what she might be feeling to understand the situation. We talk about empathy and validation a lot on this site, but Im not really seeing it through this thread.
It'd probably be helpful to hear from someone on "her side" TBH. I don't get anything well reasoned, I just get spew. It's rare that there's anything approaching a "normal" conversation (and that BUGS me--I know this is my D's mom, and I STILL feel after all of this that there needs to be SOMETHING here for D's benefit, but all I get is hate and I just want to run the hell away from it. I don't think I can overstate just HOW MESSED UP I feel from the constant anger, and accusations, and little things like I feel are done JUST to get at me (again, who the heck thinks that sending pictures of the affair partner home with your kid is "OK" in any way?)) I know for a fact that she's lied to me about D, so I'm not just carrying over the lack of trust from the constant lies and gaslighting at the end of the M. How can I try to practice empathy and validate ANYTHING she says when I'm practically being abused, treated like a monster and can't trust that ANYTHING that she says is true?
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How about the times when she asked to take D on snow days (during the week), but you already 'claimed' them?
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You did go ahead and take those snow days off without talking to her? Why is that?
The advice I got was "stop trying to coparent, and start parallel parenting" and "stick to the schedule, it will help" and that's what I've been trying. I took off of work when school closed because I was supposed to care for D on those days (and I got to spend A TON of time with her that wasn't all work! I see D like three hours a day, and almost all of it is "work parent" time--homework, and cooking, etc. Very little of it is fun time. D and I never get to go to the park. D and I never get to watch a movie. I rarely get to see her run around and just be a kid! I LIVE for my weekends with her (four every three months), when we get to DO things just to do them. Snow days are like those weekend days). And what the hell does it say if I tell XW "yeah, I gotta work, so sure, take the time with D?" She's her mom, not a babysitter, and no matter how I feel I ain't going to treat her that way.
Or hell, maybe I'm just screwing up more and just don't see it because I'm too close to it.
Tangent: D actually WANTED to call her mom on Sunday night, which was great to see. They talked for a quite a bit, D ended up going to sleep an hour passed her bedtime. I wasn't really happy about that, but it was ok. I also got D to talk to her mom last night (XW sent me a text asking if D wanted to talk. D had told me she didn't, but I told XW that she was in the bath, wait a minute to call me, I'd try to get her talking, and I'd leave the room. It worked, both of them seemed happy as hell, XW sent a text thanking me).
So this morning, I get a text from XW why D didn't call on her way to school. Then something snarky about how I shouldn't say she didn't want to, because D "didn't understand." I told myself no way was I talking to XW on today of all days, especially not in response to that. And then, of course, something caused me to respond, as XW texted that she was having her bariatric surgery in two weeks, and she asked me to either bring D to the hospital before hand so she could see her, or let her have her the night before and her mom would bring her to school.
So yeah, I responded that she could have her, and I'd write her teacher a note explaining that she might be late that day, and why.
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Here is the Parrot again: Get a more reasonable parenting plan solidified. Not a "you can take her anytime you want during the week" More like give her one or two nights a week, solid. more consistency for D, more consistency for her, and maybe she will calm the heck down.
I tried to give her that kind of time at the start of all of this (a friend suggested that I needed weekend time too, and that the way to handle this was to give XW two sunday nights a month to make up for the weekend). XW said it was ridiculous to have to drive D to school early on a Monday morning (it's +/- 40 minutes each way, so I can kinda see her point) and wanted no part of it. As far as moving forward, my L has tried to contact her L twice now to schedule, and he hasn't responded.
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I mean, whats the long term plan here? How are you going to better disentangle from XW so that you can have a proper R with GF?
Truthfully? I don't even know HOW to plan something like this. My C suggested that GF and I have "XW free days" where we simply do not allow her to be a presence in our lives, discuss her at all, etc. It's worked well, for the most part. Beyond that? I continue to hope that she'll just plain get tired of me at some point and leave me the hell alone.
