Nice guy Syndrome!

[sandi2]

Thanks for answering my questions. Although it may seem "after the fact", it really helps to have a better view. It sounds as if she was going through hell, with her imbalance in hormones and the depression.

She had a lot of resentment towards me not taking her side with family issues with my mother and sisters. I tried to see things from both perspectives. I definitely know now that this was a huge mistake. At the end of the day I want to sleep with my W, not my mother/sister, so the only side to take was my Ws.

This situation is one in which I can really relate. My H had a large family and they would talk behind the backs of in-laws. When anything was said about me in the presence of my H, he would not defend me, b/c he did not want to cause problems. If I had an issue with his mother, he would not support me.

In this post, I want to speak to you, and others, as if you were still living with your W. the reason is b/c I want to help someone who may find themselves in this position with their W, either now or in the future. I hope everyone who might stumble across this post will pay attention to my next sentence. Those issues you spoke about in the quote above, laid the foundation of resentment in my heart, that I could not get past in my MR.

You said you finally chose your W b/c she was the one you wanted to sleep with.......not you mother or sisters. Okay, I understand. But I don't think you understand how the W feels in this type of situation. When you married her, it was your job to protect her, as best that you could. Whenever a H chooses sides with another woman......even his mother and sisters.......the W feels betrayed and unprotected.
. And the pain is made worse b/c the betrayal came from the one who is suppose to put her over all others. Even if you don't agree with her, she needs to feel you are in her corner. Be careful how you take up for the other female in a dispute. She takes it extremely personal when you appear to side with someone else. This is true especially with younger women. When disagreeing with her means you agree with another person (especially a female), she can see it as you changing allegiance.......if you do 't handle it carefully. I don't think men see it this seriously, and although it sounds very immature on the part of the W........it is real.

For me, all I ever wanted was to be first in my H's heart. I wanted him to continue loving his mother and family members. I never expected him to forsake them. But neither did I think he would just sit there and let his mother run me down with her sharp criticism. In a sense, it's as if she became the other woman. He would go straight from work to see her, before he would go home. A part of me knew why, but the other part felt as if I was second place. Over the years, I became more resentful and I also began losing respect for him. Not all of the source of disrespect stemed from him choosing his mother over me......but the deep resentment definitely started there.

My H was not only a very "nice-guy", but he was very quite, easy-going, and a gentle soul. He always saw the good in another person. These traits were often seen as him being timid or submissive. If he didn't say anything, it was assumed that he agreed. That wasn't the case, but it was not how it appeared. I would dare guess that his mother was just as frustrated at him, as I was. After all these years, I can look back and see how he was in such a terrible position. He was in the middle of the two women he loved the most.

I told you about my personal situation b/c I wanted you to try and see her point of view. I hope you didn't tell her you chose to side with her b/c you wanted to sleep with her. That would not be wise. She doesn't want to be number one in your life b/c of sex. She wants you to love her above all others. You can still love your family, but show your loyalty to her as long you are living together.

BTW, showing that she takes priority in your heart & life, doesn't mean that you can't privately tell her when she is wrong about something. Just don't do it in such a way that sounds as if you are siding against her. That will only add gasoline to the fire, and then she'll be angry and hurt at you. Sometimes, the W can get so out of line that the H has to call her out.......even if it means she gets mad and hurt. He does it b/c he doesn't want her developing unattractive traits, or to use bullying tactics, be manipulative, etc. most of all, he can't allow her to be dominant over him. If she is the dominant one in the MR, it kills her respect and attraction for him......and that gives way to a long list of problems.

This leads me to another issue for the H who have the NGS. In his frustration of trying to just keep the peace at home.....and between his W and family.......he falls into a bad pattern of letting his W make most of the decisions. The couple make big decisions together, but her desires usually persuade the final outcome. The H thinks it is easier to just go along with whatever she wants. Therefore, he takes the passive position........which makes the nice-guy infamous. Listen up, guys. Women hate passivity in men! They love to see confident, decisive men. Even if the man doesn't decide to do what she would prefer, she likes the fact he has a mind of his own.

In all that I have previously said above, I am telling you H's to not buckle down to whatever your W wants. Yes, show her she is number one above other people, but she doesn't rule YOU. Make sense? Let's move away from the tension or conflicts within family issues. You can make decisions to do what you believe is best......or just b/c you are a man can do whatever the h@ll you want, without it causing her to feel you have betrayed her and sided with another person. As the man/husband in the M, you are suppose to be the leader. That means you need to have a certain amount of male dominance. (I won't get into the subject of male domance in the bedroom, right now). The feminine part that makes up a woman is naturally attracted to her H when he presents a level of male domance in the family and marriage dynamics. When he doesn't show male dominance, then it is left to her to lead, make decisions, and give the orders/instructions. Although she may be plenty qualified to make decisions and to lead in his absence, whenever this job defaults to her b/c her H is passive........ it kills her attraction for her him, b/c all she sees is weakness/laziness. To a woman, passivity equals weakness. It breaks down the natural order that places the man in charge. When she has to be the one to step up.......she looses respect for him. And, why shouldn't she? Her ability to feel attraction or "in love", is tied to her level of respect. So, without respect, she won't feel in love with the H that was designed to be her leader, protector, and provider. The reason so many men with the NGS experience a SSM, is b/c their W has lost respect and it affects her sexual desire.

I better stop here, b/c this post is getting too long.