New LBS, not sure if he's having LMC

[Accuray]

Hi Meg,

So sorry for what you're going through. I can understand why you're completely confused by what H says and does. The truly amazing thing that may be hard to believe is despite how different everyone is, and how different everyone's lives are, when people go wayward from a relationship, what they say and what they do is almost exactly the same.

The nice thing about this predictable similarity is that the way you should respond to it is also the same, with few exceptions regardless of the details of your situation.

So what's going on with H?

First of all, this is not "all your fault", and if you assume the responsibility for it, you're making your situation worse by being too hard on yourself. When relationships break down, it's because of both people, the only difference is who decides they can't take it anymore first.

Relationships tend to be erode into a cycle of unmet needs -- because H wasn't meeting your needs, you weren't motivated to keep meeting his without getting anything back. Because his needs weren't being met, he wasn't motivated to meet your needs. It's a self-reinforcing cycle that spins you apart.

During this cycle resentment builds -- you each resented each other for faults real and imagined, and for the fact that your needs were not being met. Because you live together, there's a huge motivation to keep the peace, so the temptation is to pave over the resentment and hope it will get better in the future.

Eventually someone's resentment builds so much that they can't take it anymore, and a switch flips within them that they need to escape. That's the mode H is in now.

When he decides he needs to escape, he's going to feel guilty about that -- he's going to feel like a bad person. Eventually, he's not going to want to feel guilty anymore, and he's going to begin convincing himself that he is not responsible for his decision to leave. If he's not responsible, the only other person in the relationship is you, so *you* must be responsible. He'll then look back through history and examine all your current actions and selectively pick out evidence that reinforces that you are at fault. That's why they'll say "everything was always bad" and use absolute language.

The only way they feel they can get relief from this guilt and resentment is to get away from you.

If you respond by telling them that you will not let them go, that you will not give up on the relationship, that you're committed to making things better, that you love them, etc. etc. You are keeping the cage door closed

You are directly telling him he can't have what he wants because you're going to keep hanging onto his leg.

When you give him gifts, text him, initiate relationship talks, tell him you love him, all you're doing is denying him what he wants and making him resent you more and more. You're digging the hole deeper and deeper. By pursuing him, you're making him want to run.

So what can you do about it? How are you supposed to act?

Ironically, the shortest path back together is for you to head in the other direction immediately. You need to give him *more* space than he is asking for.

You need to stop actively resisting him.

Until you give him space, he won't be able to drain his resentment. He won't be able to think about anything but getting away, and things will continue to get worse.

Think back to when you were dating -- what would he be attracted to? A woman who was constantly pursuing him, or a woman who was happy, confident, a bit mysterious, and that he had to *work* to please?

In order to pull this off, you need to follow the DB prescription :

(1) 180: Whatever you were doing that was perpetually annoying him, do the opposite. The only exception to this is that you cannot pursue him, but if he felt you were not affectionate, then be more affectionate with your kids and your friends, but you cannot be more affectionate with him. If you were messy, be neat. If you were late, be on time, etc.

2) Act as if: Act as if you are happy and confident! He doesn't want to be with you? Fine! He's the one that's missing out, because YOU are going to rock this life!

3) GAL: Go out and get a life. Make plans, socialize with friends, get a babysitter if you need to but get out of the house and do things. Don't tell him what you're doing or who you're with.

He thinks you've given up on the relationship? GOOD! Now he's free to do whatever he thinks he needs to do without you chasing him -- and -- you've established that you're not just going to sit on the shelf waiting for him to come back. He's going to go out and live his own life? Guess what, so are you, and if he decides he wants to come back you may not want to take him. He's going to have to work to come back. He's going to have to woo you all over again.

Then lead a life that anyone would want to be a part of -- rock it. Own your life and how you spend your time. Be busy, be happy. The nice thing about that plan is that even if he doesn't come back you won't miss him, but this scenario is the most likely to make him want to return by FAR.

You can do this.

Acc