I've known about the A for almost two months. I think my W would probably use the against me saying i dont care. If it were reversed, I'm 95% she would have called me out by now.
No, that's the thinking of a LBH, not a WW. However, you are right about things being reversed. She would not have tolerated an OW, like you've tolerated the OM. That's probably the differences in her personality and you being a nice guy. I have learned that that's how it usually goes with couples, when the H has NGS. I have observed this my entire life, and I studied the NGS, plus all the years of being on the board.....I definitely see a pattern in their relationships.
I think you did a decent job handling the public situation with the OM. I think he may have been fishing, to see if he could detect any vibes from how you interacted with him. Your W may have even said something about wondering if you know. But, that's idle guesswork.
I commend you for taking the Alpha vs Beta, seriously. FWIW, I married a very good man. He had the NGS. He still does, and always will to some extent. However, life has changed him a lot. It is much better if a man makes changes in himself, rather than wait for life to force it on him.
I am certain it is challenging to change, but it is very possible. There was a board member here for quite a few years, who admits to being the nicest of nice-guys. He learned to change the dynamics in his MR, and I assume in his other relationships as well. His first user name was Ole Chocolate Eyes, then he changed to Puppy Dog Tails, and finally to Starsky. I think his old threads were deleted, and I haven't seen him post in a long time. But, if you ever run across one of his old posts, grab it. He is a star to many who traveled through the forums on this board.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
