Reading along, I find myself nodding in agreement. We all deserve to have a partner who is honest and committed to our relationship. And, like you, I agree it's better to be flying solo than "together" but in a lonely in a relationship with a person who is floundering. I did not realize how exhausting that was.
My ex just moved out after years of marinating in MLC. It is a huge relief not to witness it all each and every day. I had no idea how much his presence impacted things even though he was behind a closed door for 3 years.
Like you, I feel more positive about my life than I have in years.
I enjoy reading your posts; thanks for sharing.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
It takes effort for long term marriages to keep Eros love strong. But when Agape love is very strong, it can be enough for some of us, so the effort to maintain Eros love often falls away.
Does this help explain my 'lack of passion' comment? Eros had dwindled but with deep Agape love we were okay with it. Until... the unthinkable happened, and an affair was born to satisfy the desire for Eros love. So it's really NOT okay to ignore Eros love either. It definitely needs to be present in a healthy marriage.
This is a pretty simplistic way of explaining and others might disagree. I believe that MLC also defies this explanation. I think it was a factor in my marriage, but wouldn't go so far as to say it caused the MLC or could have prevented it.
I will respectfully disagree and say in a healthy relationship based on trust, years of commitment, respect, and as you say Agape love Eros love flows directly from that deep source rather than the shallow chemical "attraction." And that mature healthy psyches recognize that difference and strength of this over the "rush" fake excitement once you are no longer 16 years old.
But that is my view. I always loved my wife and was attracted only to her because I loved her, and didn't have to work at Eros love. And when a new person triggered a momentary attraction it simply faded away when compared to what we had.
And this is a big part of the tragedy of what people in MLC completely lose.
HaWho - sorry but I got distracted just when I was about to respond to you! But I'm back. I love what you say here:
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My ex just moved out after years of marinating in MLC. It is a huge relief not to witness it all each and every day. I had no idea how much his presence impacted things even though he was behind a closed door for 3 years.
YES! So true. H didn't move out until 3+ months after BD. So much pain everyday watching him in his MLC. I found it impossible to detach! Once he moved out, life was peaceful and detachment became easier. And my H didn't have to wonder how I felt about what he was doing. He was free... to move forward without any hindrance from his old life. I really think that living apart speeds the progress through the tunnel.
Hi Marvin - I agree with your post for the most part.
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I always loved my wife and was attracted only to her because I loved her, and didn't have to work at Eros love. And when a new person triggered a momentary attraction it simply faded away when compared to what we had.
This describes the 'healthy' relationship. Not to say that before MLC hit there wasn't any action that way, but certainly much less than when we were younger. We are both in our 60's and once menopause is far back in the rear view mirror and testosterone decreases in the man, the 'action' decreases too. But Agape is stronger than ever... in a healthy marriage that is.
Enter MLC, and suddenly it's flipped around. Eros love is very important and Agape love... not so much. That momentary attraction that typically fades quickly in a healthy, strong marriage doesn't apply for someone in MLC. The MLCer cannot resist the temptation. If they could, then MLC's wouldn't involve affairs to the extent they do.
A very sad turn in my H's MLC. Some might think what's happened is poetic justice. Maybe true. But I'm not laughing or cheering.
My H has just been diagnosed with Genital Herpes. He's devastated. I am as well, primarily for him.
He's sworn off all sexual activity for fear he will transfer it to someone else. He doesn't know how to go forward from here - not yet anyway. His girlfriend may also be infected. No way to tell who got it from who. It's a sad result of taking the risk of engaging in an MLC affair. They jump in so quickly and really don't know anything about their new partner.
Even though I let go of him some time ago, I still have love and compassion for him.
I don't think it's poetic justice. I think it is very sad and very real in the world. We warn posters to get checked out because STDs are very real when it comes to the MLCers and many of them are out there bed hopping and do not have a care in the world about such things because they are acting out like teenagers.
Very, very unfortunate and I hope others that read this will get checked out because this could happen to their spouses as well if they aren't careful and use protection.
That’s sad and yucky. I read a few years ago before my situation that STDs were spreading most rapidly in the over 50 after group and I thought that was strange. Now I know why. BTW, how do you know this? He told you?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Yes, he told me immediately. .He also contacted anyone else he may have infected. He has a duty to do so.
The virus can be present in a dormant state for up to 40 years before if activates. He may have been a carrier for many years, or perhaps his AP was a carrier. The virus cells can infect a carrier’s partner even though they have no clue they are infected. These are a few facts I did not know until now.
Contacting people from way back is one of the most responsible and difficult things he’s done.
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I read a few years ago before my situation that STDs were spreading most rapidly in the over 50 after group and I thought that was strange
I would have agreed if I hadn’t already done a mountain of reading up on it. The incidence increases as people age. In the over 50 crowd there is a 1 in 4 chance of having the virus (active or carrier) because the longer you live, the more likely that along the way you could come into contact with the virus. It doesn’t mean someone infected has led a promiscuous lifestyle either. It only takes one encounter.
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That’s sad and yucky.
Yes, but It’s an easily transferred STD. Also the mildest STD and is easily managed with medication, unlike the majority of other STD’s.
If someone reveals to you they have an STD they should be thanked for being someone with the decency to say so instead of saying nothing. Just because a person isn’t currently having an outbreak does NOT mean their partner is safe. They always have a duty to inform potential partners that they have HSV, regardless of their present state with the virus.
Bottom line for everyone is to see a doctor ASAP if you notice ANY kind of bump, blister, rash as HSV often is mistaken for a harmless skin condition.
One reason for the spread of stds among the over 50 crowd is not using condoms. Some are newly single after a long marriage and may never have used condoms in the pre-AIDS era when they were younger. Men who are suffering from some mild erectile dysfunction may have difficulty maintaining an erection with a condom or difficulty climaxing. Plus if you were married for many years having sex without condoms, I think it's harder to get used to using them again.
All that being said - there's no excuse for not using condoms. We need to protect ourselves. And you never know - I'm really thankful that I always used conforms with Me. Tall Dark and handsome. Just about the time I started thinking maybe we could stop using them, he was diagnosed with hepatitis C. (Risk of transmission to partners is low but not zero). Then I learned when he blew up (bipolar mania/ drug relapse) that he had been sleeping with other women most of the time we had been together! Now I'm sure glad I was such a stickler about condoms.
As a couple of younger girlfriends advised me when I was first single: "No glove, no love!"
(As for your ex's herpes - it is very common. Something like 20% of women and 12% of men. Some are completely a symptomatic but can still shed the virus 10% of the time. The good news, if there is some, is that outbreaks tend to lessen in frequency after the first year for most people. )
