When we talked about if we are willing to commit to our MR she said I don't know. She is afraid that everything will be the same for her. That I haven't changed and thus can't fullfill her needs. How in earth can I show her if she isn't willing to see?
Which of you asked if you or she was willing to commit to the MR? Why did the conversation even come up? I think you said she initiated, os if that's the case and if she only talked negatively about reconciliation......then it was one of two reasons that I can think. 1). She was temp checking you, or 2) She was trying to convince you to D her.
The fact that you are so upset over not knowing how to prove your changes and fulfill her needs......simply shows that your thinking is not straight, Petri. She has an OM! I don't know how long he has been waiting in the wings, but I take this as strong indication she does not want to resume a M with you. Unless a man was really a rotten H and his W was a saint, I don't know why he would think it was all about him improving to become good enough to deserve another chance.
And, it's not just b/c OM has shown up, but the fact she continues to make everything your fault. It's her mindset. As long as she is making you out to be the bad guy.......there is no convincing her things will be different. So you need to stop that type of thinking now.
Have you asked yourself why the heck she would tell you about the OM at this particular time? Your brother passes away, and she initiates R talks and complains about you, then dangles OM in your face and has the audacity to say she is afraid things would be the same? I don't know how you can even think this is about you not proving you've changed or showing her things would be different. But, maybe you haven't changed, Pete. Maybe you're still the man with NGS.
The best thing you can do to help yourself and have a ghost of a chance in saving the M, is to dump her. I don't know what you meant by this proves she is what she was before you M her, but I have to ask if it makes a difference for you. If it does, then stop with all the craziness of trying this or that to win her back. You have not won her. You won't win her, even if you R, you won't win her heart........b/c you aren't the only one who needs to change. Refusing to sell the house will do nothing to help your M, either.
You've been so focused on just reconciling that you act as if it doesn't matter what you get......just as long as you get her back. She KNOWS things won't be different, b/c her heart is closed to her H. She cannot have two men in her heart at the same time. Even if OM is just a f--- buddy, it prevents her heart from being opened for her H. Having a f--- buddy, is a pretty obvious sign she is not ready to be in a devoted M with you. She did not bring up the OM in conversation b/c she was wanting to R. She did nothing that sounded like a W wanting to R for the right reasons.
If you still want her, regardless, then let her see you dumping her. If you don't want her.....then dump her. Either way, you are more likely to get what you want.
Currently, you have too much pain on you. Your parents are grieving, too, so they may not be able to emotionally support you like you need. Maybe that is why you feel you need your W, IDK. IMHO, remaining under the same roof, even ever other week, is a horrible arrangement. She has another man! You won't be able to detach with her coming in to stay every other week. You couldn't do it sharing an apartment. Why would you insist on it? Why not sell the house, so you can move forward? Don't say it is for the kids, b/c it is awful for children to live in that environment where the parents are S but staying under the same roof. Children do just fine moving to another house, so don't use that excuse, either. I think you have clung to the house b/c it kept your W tied to you in some respect. Get out from under it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
