And Joseph9, how do you do it dude? You are the king of DB'ing! You seem to take it all in stride with little or no setbacks, no anger, no regret and no punitive behavior
S.....I have had my moments. I am not perfect and still struggle from time to time. I will tell you though that I have put in the work. Reading, researching, implementing and self-discovery have been huge for me. I was not a perfect spouse and neither was my W....I don't know anyone who is, you know? We are all flawed, no relationship is perfect and it takes two people to work at it. I was willing, my W was not (maybe she tried to work on it in her own way but didn't include me in the process), her choice, her decision.
I am a kind, caring, loving, giving person. I am an engaged father who loves his D's fiercely and will always be there for them. I am laid back, easy going, I am calm, I do not yell or scream, I am not controlling, I like to laugh and have fun. I could go on and on but my point is that I know who I am and what I have to offer. I have no reason to be angry. Her loss she is a fool.
My issue is that some times I am too laid back, too passive. I got lazy in my MR, took things for granted, we didn't grow together as a couple and unfortunately I didn't realize it soon enough. I was one of those people who thought D would never happen because we had never discussed it before and I didn't know we were having problems until then end. I was naïve but not a bad husband.
I do hate that my W was not willing to work on it and that does cause me some anger from time to time. I have also lost respect for her as well. I am also sad that my children will not get to experience an intact family with M and D taking family trips together but I can't control it. I am determined though to do everything in my power to make sure my D's are well adjusted and have a happy childhood filled with good memories.
Maybe there is a FOG or MLC but maybe those are just terms we have made up to help mitigate the pain because it is easier to use those terms as an excuse than it is to look deep inside ourselves. Truthfully people change, situations change, circumstances change, what you want or value in a MR or R can change to. It is what it is.....$hit happens all the time. Maybe we picked bad spouses, overlooked too much early on or maybe this is happening exactly as it is supposed to. Who knows......either I can get busy living or get busy dying.
It was a shot to the ego early on but when I self-reflect back on who I am as a person and my values I know this is more about her than me. She really is a fool and that helps mitigate my anger, my desire to punish and helps me move forward. Will she ever have regrets. Who knows? My ego will say she will but in reality D happens all the time and people never look back. I would like to think she will but I am not going to stand around and worry about it.
I do understand though for some it is really hard. Especially if you are not proud of yourself, of who you have become or how you have conducted yourself in the MR. I didn't feel like I had a lot to change. Some tweaks here and there but no radical transformations. So for me it was just getting over and processing the punch to the gut. I think the mistake that most people make is that they try to tackle too many things all at once. Start with small goals and work your way up, small bites...don't try to eat the pizza all at once or you will get overwhelmed and when that happens one tends to stay still.
Finally, when I think about who my W is walking away from it helps me be compassionate towards her and also helps me be sincere when I say I hope she finds her happiness. Just because she doesn't want to be with me doesn't mean that I am a bad person or that their is something wrong with me. It just means that for whatever reason I am not who she wants in a spouse but that is not necessarily a reflection on me. I could meet a beautiful women tomorrow that loves me for who I am without changing a thing! I try real hard to not take things personally.
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I have to think that one or both of you will reconcile (or at least have the opportunity if you want it), but it may be too late for your exes, and for J9's, it may already be too late.
If my W ever has a change of heart it won't be until after we are D. The fat lady is warming up those pipes!
