I saw SH here and that inspired me to post. I don't read here and post often anymore. I will try and keep some consistency in my updates. Things are going well for me, my M, and for my family. I feel very grateful for where I am at.
For the first time in a long while, life just feels normal. My M is different now, and in most ways better than it has been in years. There is only so much working on things and processing one can do. I think it got to a point where it was keeping me held back and the painful reminders outweighed whatever positive relationship we were building, which wasn't much.
I don't worry about him reading here. He said he wouln't and I believe him. I trust him. It was ultimately a choice. The trust I mean. And if he chooses to break that, then that will be his choice. We are all free to make choices out of our own free will.
I have "worked" on this forgiveness and trust for so long (and yes they are related for me) -- read the books, the therapy, the M programs, the soul searching, etc -- but at the end of the day it is a choice. He is also showing me a person now that I like and want to be with. We fell into this unhealthy dynamic of me being the victim and him the perpetrator, and it wasn't healthy.
Perhaps him losing me was what motivated his change? Things are just different now. He knows what he wants and he goes for it. He is more confident and assertive. He is attentive, affectionate, and he is open with his thoughts and feelings. This is now coming from a place of strength and not fear. I like this change. Instead of drowning in guilt, he is fighting for what he wants.
So I am looking forward now. We enjoy each others company, we have fun, we laugh, and we are closer. We are planning several new things and trips this year, so there is much to look forward to. The more we move forward, the more he sees how delusional he was before. He can't even identify with the person he was that caused such destruction.
My Ds are doing well too. My oldest is working and has now enrolled herself in college. This was a kid I almost lost entirely, when everything in my world was crumbling around us. My younger girls are doing great too. Our family is thriving again. So life is positive and I won't take that for granted.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
