Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 8

[Accuray]

Thanks for all the detail! To answer your last question first, if her message is mixed with snark and sarcasm I would just ignore the whole thing. If she presses you I would tell her if she wants to engage in a conversation with you she needs to be civil and respectful.

It's hard to believe that kids want consistent rules, especially in the environment of D where they could potentially decide to live with the other parent. But I've heard this (the importance of consistent rules) from enough different sources to realize I have to stick to my guns on this. XW was never consistent on enforcing rules, and it would usually fall to me to be the bad guy and the enforcer.

My friend has a son who is very difficult. They were trying to go out to a restaurant and he wanted to bring a big toy car. They told him he couldn't bring it, and he had a tantrum so ultimately they let him bring it along.

The next time they wanted to go to a restaurant, they told him not to bring the car, he had a tantrum, they tried to reason with him but he got even worse, so ultimately they relented.

If you step back from this situation, the boy does not enjoy throwing tantrums, and I'm sure he doesn't like being in conflict with his parents, but because they negotiate with him and relent to his tantrums, he's been taught that he can get what he wants that way, so now every week of his life involves conflict with his parents, temper tantrums etc.

Do you think he's happy living like that?

With my kids in that scenario, XW and I said "you're not bringing the toy the the restaurant". Our daughter had a tantrum and we sent her to her room and told her to come out when she was ready to go to the restaurant without the toy. That's how we responded to each tantrum and it only happened twice. After that, she knew that a tantrum and conflict with her parents would not get her what she wanted, it would only make her upset.

Since then, she never asked to bring a toy to the restaurant and there was no conflict over going out to dinner and no tantrums. She could enjoy going to the restaurant and not even think about bringing a toy.

Which one is the happier child? Fight the fight once, up front, and enjoy the peace forever after. Don't fight the fight again and again.

Your older son may be at the age where he can choose which parent to live with, but only if the two of you give him that choice. Ideally you'll agree to stick to the parenting schedule.

Another thing that may happen is that you'll have different rules at each house -- that is okay. Just because they don't have to do their dishes at mom's doesn't mean they can leave them in the sink at your house. It's okay for your house to have a different set of expectations. Kids will respond to how you treat them, that you love them and respect them, and provide them structure, they're not going to choose their household based on lax rules and no chores unless they're being treated badly in both places.

I assume if your son is difficult and missing school you're talking to his therapist about how best to handle it from a parenting perspective?

One of the nice things about divorce is if you don't feel Sunday School is necessary, you can have that discussion with XW and you don't have to reach a consensus. You can tell her that when he's at your house he doesn't need to go.

Obviously divorced parenting requires compromise so you want to choose your battles carefully, but that is an option that's available to you. You'll of course want to work that out with her before you involve S15.

Being a solo parent with no backup can be a challenge, but you don't need to second guess yourself, and the nice thing is that XW isn't going to intervene or contradict you. There is your house and your rules and they are non-negotiable.

I'm not saying to be a tyrant, you seem like a good father who truly enjoys his time with his boys. Talk to them, hug them once a day, support them in pursuing their dreams, but also be firm with your rules and make sure they know that they are non-negotiable.

There may be short term conflict while they get used to it, but there will be long term peace as a result.

Acc