Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 8

[Holding]

Undoubtedly they've seen how their mother treats you and now believe that you will tolerate that from them as well. You need to shut that down hard. Despite the fact that they may show outward resistance, kids like discipline because it provides structure and stability. If you're consistent with your rules, they know they can count on you. The minute he gives you lip or attitude, he goes to his room. It doesn't matter if he has friends there, it doesn't matter if he's doing homework, if he gives you lip, he goes to his room immediately. If you're out of the house, you go home and he goes to his room.

The second S11 mouthed off to me last night, I sent him to his room. I let him out about 20 minutes later and it didn't happen again. I think I can get somewhere with S11.

It's hard to believe that kids want consistent rules, especially in the environment of D where they could potentially decide to live with the other parent. But I've heard this (the importance of consistent rules) from enough different sources to realize I have to stick to my guns on this. XW was never consistent on enforcing rules, and it would usually fall to me to be the bad guy and the enforcer.

My sister is D'ed, and her D16 was threatening to move in permanently with the XH because she wasn't happy with "mom's rules." My sister was freaked out at first, but like me she was told she needed to stick to her guns. Sure enough, D16 just didn't come home one day. But about a week later D16 slinked back into the house without a word. She hasn't done that again.

If it's a non-negotiable, then how can he refuse to attend? Tell us more about how this dynamic played out. Did he lock himself in his room? Did he go to church, leave you as if he was going to Sunday School and then run out the back door? What did he do to defy what you expected of him? How did you handle it and what consequences did you create?

Personally, I'm not sold on the necessity of Sunday school. XW actually signed up the kids back in August without asking me. S15 will need to complete 2 years in order to be confirmed in the Catholic Church, so that's why she's claiming she did it. I've been sticking to the schedule to present a unified front to S15.

Sunday School is later in the day after church. S15 was laying in his bed and refused to leave his room. This was 15 minutes before it was time to leave. I told him he needed to go and he still refused. He's having a bit of a crisis of faith and doesn't see the point. I said if he didn't go, I would take his phone away. Then he said, "Fine, take my phone". I took his phone for the rest of the evening. Short of physically shoving him out the front door, I don't think he would have gone. This is not new behavior for him. The kid has been forced to do things his whole life that he wasn't interested in (this was initiated 90% of the time by XW's plans).

After a cooling off period, S15 and I talked for 30 minutes about his faith. The kid just doesn't care about religion. He's very rational in his approach to life (I used to be this way before BD). I explained that if he doesn't go, he can't be confirmed, and he won't be able to get married in the Catholic Church. He doesn't seem to care.

If it comes down to a battle of wills, what's your plan to prevail?

Good question. I really struggle with this. S15 is VERY stubborn. Yeah, I know he's a teenager, but I believe he's really a special case, and his therapist agrees. Sometimes he won't eat, and I don't know if it's his ADHD meds or a form of protest. There have been times when he's literally balled himself up in his bed and refused to budge to protest something, yelling that he won't do it. He's done this on school days. He's missed a lot of school. Dealing with him in a normal M was tough, but in this D, it's even worse. I have to do it all myself, with no backup, and now I have to second guess myself at every step too.

Then he texted XW about how he was done with Sunday School, and she tried to come down on me by implying I'm making unilateral decisions and his faith is not important to me.

I hope you didn't reply to that at all and just ignored it.

That's a muscle you need to exercise -- you don't need to respond to silly accusations. You don't need to engage with your STBX at all. Start training her that you will only engage when she treats you with respect. Start training her that if she lobs accusations at you she will be repeatedly ignored.

This training must be consistent. You can't engage and defend yourself sometimes -- it must be never. That's the only way the behavior will change.

I did reply, but I did not address the accusations. I factually explained that I told him it was time to go, he still refused, and he was punished. I said she and I need to set up consistent consequences in both our houses for when he does not attend.

Not responding is something I've done in the past with her accusations and emotional "blurts" that have no real action on my part. I realize she's trying to get a rise out of me, and I won't give her that any more.

The trick is that she'll often mix snark, sarcasm, and accusations in with actual requests. Should I respond factually to the requests and ignore the other stuff? Or should I just ignore the whole message if there's anything offensive in it?