Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 8

[Accuray]

But now S11's starting to give me a lot of lip about things.

Undoubtedly they've seen how their mother treats you and now believe that you will tolerate that from them as well. You need to shut that down hard. Despite the fact that they may show outward resistance, kids like discipline because it provides structure and stability. If you're consistent with your rules, they know they can count on you. The minute he gives you lip or attitude, he goes to his room. It doesn't matter if he has friends there, it doesn't matter if he's doing homework, if he gives you lip, he goes to his room immediately. If you're out of the house, you go home and he goes to his room.

But then yesterday he refused to attend Sunday School in any capacity and I had to enact some consequences.

Well one could make the argument that at age 15 he may be old enough to decide for himself about his religion and his faith, but let's assume that attending Sunday School is a non-negotiable for you and your STBX.

If it's a non-negotiable, then how can he refuse to attend? Tell us more about how this dynamic played out. Did he lock himself in his room? Did he go to church, leave you as if he was going to Sunday School and then run out the back door? What did he do to defy what you expected of him? How did you handle it and what consequences did you create?

If it comes down to a battle of wills, what's your plan to prevail?

Then he texted XW about how he was done with Sunday School, and she tried to come down on me by implying I'm making unilateral decisions and his faith is not important to me.

I hope you didn't reply to that at all and just ignored it.

That's a muscle you need to exercise -- you don't need to respond to silly accusations. You don't need to engage with your STBX at all. Start training her that you will only engage when she treats you with respect. Start training her that if she lobs accusations at you she will be repeatedly ignored.

This training must be consistent. You can't engage and defend yourself sometimes -- it must be never. That's the only way the behavior will change.

My XW was snarky too at first. I didn't take the bait -- ever. One day she came over and after dropping off the kids started crying in the driveway and said that I act as if she doesn't exist. I told her that I don't respond to snark -- if she treats me with respect I'll respond in kind. Since then no snark.

Acc