Gordie #17: deliberately not divorced

[Sotto]

Yes, I agree about not initiating with any Valentine's gifts - though I might be tempted to have a little something in reserve just in case she does initiate? And don't feel - I got it so I must give it. Only give back if she gives.

I agree that a more open family - share the love - may be a good way to go. Though I wouldn't go too far with it - maybe baking a few heart shaped cookies with the kids or similar - light.

I also agree with Bttrfly's comments above. Please do not see your W as a partner just now. You are not actively rebuilding. Your D is on hold and there seems to be a halt (which may be permanent or temporary) with OM. Things could unfold in any sort of way and you don't yet know how. However, I would say that your W has been pretty lukewarm about the whole potential rebuilding and I don't see that she has really had a seismic, shaken to the core - I want my marriage to work - moment. And I think that moment is necessary - and things can go either way even with that moment. I think Cali's W did have that moment - and it was temporary - and his painful story is a useful reminder. I would certainly bear it in mind.

I believe the thing to aim for now - as Job says - is room mate. That's all. Cohabiting pleasantly, no pressure and doing your own things. Don't drift off with the GAL priority and lurk about at home hoping she'll initiate something. Make your own plans. In time, if she doesn't focus more actively on the marriage and rebuilding, you get to decide whether or not you can continue to live as room mates. It's always up to you...

But whatever else you do - remind yourself that having expectations will be a huge mistake. She is not your partner in life just now. And the less affected you can be by what she may or may not do the better...

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, and I hope what is being posted does help you on the next little leg of your marathon Gordie :-)