Gordie #17: deliberately not divorced

[Gordie]

Journaling:

It’s been 2 weeks since she dropped the D and OM2. I haven’t been writing here because I don’t really know what to say. Stepping back from the cliff, I realize how much stress I have been under since last September when she told me about OM2 and making her wedding plans and introducing him to our children and negotiating the final D terms. I couldn’t handle it any longer which drove me to my ultimatum (and I meant it).

So for the first few days after that, my expectations were high that we’d be reconciling and piecing...but that is not the case. After a few days of futile pursuit, I have taken the advice here and backed off. Things are better now that I have backed off. I am back in th friend zone. We can be in the same room and it’s not awkward or uncomfortable.

W has been selectively participating in more family activities. She wants to be invited to things but not pressured to attend. Kids always want her to attend but they too don’t expect her to do so all the time. W gets frustrated when I don’t remind her of kid events (even though she has access to the same calendars).

W’s old friend that she reached out to declined to get together. She burnt some bridges so not totally surprised but I do wish that she had some pro-M influences around her. W has not been going out with her divorced friends either. She has basically been working or at home. Around the house, she has been cooking and cleaning more.

Physically, we are still in separate bedrooms. I’ll get a hug or a kiss on the cheek maybe once or twice a day. We are far away from anything sexual.

Given that her phone hasn’t been blowing up, I think Roist may be right about OM2 dumping her. She hasn’t told and I haven’t asked.

Last week, she slipped and fell on the ice and she thought she had seriously injured herself. She called me at work and I came home to take care of her, take her to the doctor, etc. The doctor kept saying what a great H I was. That was a little awkward.

My plans from here: keep expectations low, keep giving her time and space, no R talks, no pursuit. No pursuit is hard. Do I buy her a Valentine’s Day gift? Should I ask her out on a date? Spring break is usually when we have a weekend away and neither of us have spoken of it.

I am reminded always of Cali—the ghost of Christmas future—and realize this may be just one big touch and go. That helps me keep expectations low. Trying to live one day at a time because that’s all I can do.