Newbie In Need Of Guidance #2

[rminer]

sandi, thank you for responding. I thought that maybe my last response had offended you and caused you to throw your arms up and give up on me. 

It was so pitiful to hear how it scared your little boy. How does he seem now?

Thank you for asking.   He seems better, but he is still upset with her.  This past week she has been in a much better mood (more on that later) and she has been paying more attention to him.   He has made a few more comments to me about not being happy with her, but I think she is trying to make it up to him.  Hopefully it continues.

You may feel the need to protect the relationships between the children and their mom, but you cannot take responsibility for her relationships with her kids. It may be painful, but trying to cover up or make excuses for your W's bad behavior, teaches kids to keep dark secrets and not talk about what goes on behind the doors at home.

I'm beginning to realize that.  I have always wanted them to grow up with a "perfect" family life.  It's hard to watch it slip away.

The only thing I'm really covering up is the A. The rest they are picking up on their own.  After my last talk with D21 I've stopped defending her.  I'm not skewering her, but I'm not defending either.   To S8 I'm just telling him mom is going through a rough time in her life, but to remember that she still loves him.   Not sure how much he really needs to know at this point.

The H must have a plan. And the first thing is that the A must end the second he confronts his W.

I don't have a solid plan yet.  Ive been thinking about it a lot, but haven't decided on anything yet.  I'm reading th DR book for the second time, so I will be putting something together soon. 

I've known about the A for almost two months. I think my W would probably use the against me saying i dont care. If it were reversed, I'm 95% she would have called me out by now.

By the time you get this post, last night will be over. So, you can tell us how it went.

Both days were over by the time I saw this,  but I think it went fairly well. 

The first evening the OM and I were passing each other in a hallway, he said "hi," I said "hello," keeping a low tone and acting like he was of no concern to me.  Later he came up to S8 with me standing there and wished S8 happy birthday.  He then felt the need to explain to S8 and me that he keeps all of the kids' birthdays in a spreadsheet so he doesn't forget them. When he looked at me near the end of the explanation,  I just looked him in the eyes, made the "huh" sound and gave him the "you really don't want to be around me right now look."   He came up to me and my son again later and I gave him the same look.  He didn't come near us the rest of the night.   He only spoke to my W once that I saw. 

Today was a little different story.  The OM came to me on six occasions to talk.  Me alone two times, with S8 two times, with D14 once and with W once. The shortest interaction was when W was there.  I watched all day and he only spoke to W three times, all for less than 30 seconds. 

The approach I took today was similar to what the 37 rules say.  I wasn't unfriendly, but I didn't say much either.  I looked OM square in the eye and went for the "alpha" approach.  He had trouble keeping eye contact.  If that was from guilt or intimidation I don't know, but he was definitely the "beta" in the interactions.   The only time I strung together more than one sentence was when he was bragging about something.  I shut him down pretty quickly when he started.    After he left when D14 was present, D14 said "I've never liked him very much."   I must have had a big smile because she asked me what was so funny.

I'm not sure why he was so anxious to talk to me today - he has never approached me that much before.   Maybe he is trying to show me nothing is going on or maybe feels he knows me better now.  I'm really not sure.  It was strange though.  I did not expect that someone having an A with another man's wife would want to talk to the H so much.

I am thinking you accidentally left out a word when typing that last sentence. Being a man who has the NGS, I suspect you meant to say, "it is an opportunity to not make things worse"

No, I meant it was an opportunity to make things worse.   If I don't like someone I have a tendency to be very blunt and say exactly what is on my mind and it has gotten worse over the past few months. I could see that happening and me tipping them off that I know about the A or worse.

I definitely didn't want to make a scene because that would have just embarrassed everyone. I didn't want to be chummy with him either for obvious reasons, so I tried to play it in the middle, but dominate.

I'm taking this "Alpha vs. Beta" thing to heart.  I've been very conscious of how I am presenting myself over the past two weeks, especially at home.

plus it eats away at your self respect and confidence.

Yes, it does.

I am just telling you that I have very little faith in the MR genuinely getting better by simply trying to wait out an affair to end. The issue that led her into an A with OM#1, will lead her into the next A, and the next, if the MR doesn't change.

This what I'm still not sure about.  What went wrong besides what you have pointed out?  She has said so many things, its hard to pinpoint what it was exactly.   I've got a few things in mind that I will mention in my next post.   This past week was interesting and I would like your opinion on it.  It may/may not tie in to what she is (was) actually looking for from me.