Hi all, and Gordie, Survive - thank you for the comments!
It's been awhile since I've been here and I am happy to say my journey continues in a very positive way. I've undergone a major shift in attitude about my future. It seems like I was stuck for months, unable to detach and always asking questions like "why?" The biggest breakthrough is in regards to the future of my M. Basically, I no longer see a future there and it feels like a really good thing!
I'm not sure what brought about the shift although I am one of those people who has no problem being alone. I enjoy my own company which has allowed me lots of time to re-assess all that has happened to me/us over the last 7 months. I now look back and see my situation with new eyes.
This is what I see with those new eyes: my M wasn't as good as I thought it was and my H wasn't as solid as I thought either. There were some minor issues in the M that I overlooked because other aspects of the M were great. I wasn't concerned much about his personal flaws either, thinking we all have them.
Yep, we all have flaws but not all of us have fatal flaws - like serious character defects that leads one to abandon instead of repair. Or a defect that leads one to continually make wrong choices which are usually self-serving rather than marriage preserving. My H has these flaws and had them long before his MLC. I can see that now with my new eyes and it's changed me and how I see my H.
I now doubt my H was faithful and loyal to me even before his MLC. Once I would be shocked to think that, but no longer. Those fatal flaws were there before - emotional weakness, people pleaser, lack of boundaries, and the big one... pretending to be fully committed. My H recently confessed that when we were out anywhere, he was always scanning the room to see if he could catch the eye of a women who was there with her H. Once he had the eye contact, he was good. That validated his weak self-esteem for awhile but eventually he would need another fix. He says it never progressed beyond that but idk. I don't know why I didn't catch on to this before but there it is and I missed it.
Strangely (or not) his OW is the same only much worse. I've not met her but she is single, attractive, seductive and 60 yrs. old. She has 'these eyes' that she uses to catch the attention of ANY male of any age within sight and will shamelessly do so even when H is with her. It's a game to her - she gets the attention and then is smug about it to H. H is not happy about it but thinks this is just the way she is, it's harmless, shouldn't stress about it. He is also pretty sure she won't cheat on him. What? He's blind if he thinks that. She lures men for amusement, and then she lured my more than willing H with those eyes too. It's only a matter of time before this R blows up in his face.
Knowing this, how can I continue to think good things about this man? He threw our life away for an instant attraction to a game player. Fully seeing and fully accepting that this is who he is, has taken me to total detachment. I doubt I could ever see him in a positive light again. He is just not someone I want. He seems to have stepped up his "touch and goes" lately, but it isn't having the impact on me it once did. In fact, it's having no impact - I don't want him back now, and possibly never. Life is too good without him in it.
Okay enough of that. On a very positive front, I have learned that I will be able to keep my house with or without any financial support from H. I have been looking at condos and townhouses which don't compare to the space and comfort of my home. To move would only save me a few hundred dollars a month over the condo/townhouse option. The trade off is just not worth it. In a five years or so when I am ready I will sell the house - the equity gain will more than make up the extra few hundred a month I will pay for the house over a condo. H has no say in this - the equity in it is mine, I just didn't think I could manage the mortgage payment if he wasn't financially contributing. My house isn't big and fancy but it is nice and I'm very comfy here. I can't tell you how happy I am that I can stay here!
I enjoy my solitary life, choosing when to go out or not, to eat dinner now or later, to clean the house today or tomorrow, and spending time with friends who are fun and supportive whenever I want. Overall I feel really strong and positive about my life and my future. I deserve so much more than what I got at BD. In fact my H bombing me was a blessing in disguise. Didn't think so at the time but certainly do now. H did me a huge favor and a huge disservice to himself. So sorry, H but these were your choices.
