WW, A ended, but struggling to reconnect (My 11th)

[sandi2]

I also in this case have been guilty of over focusing on the affair, even though it is something that obviously has to be dealt with

Okay, so do you feel there are still loose ends? What do you need that has not happened yet, in relation to the A? She ended it, apologized for it, and has not contacted OM as far as you know. This is important, Jim. How do you want to deal with the A? She already feels you focus entirely on the A, instead of the other issues that existed, so the longer you go without "dealing with it", the worse it may be.

Do they not like a big deal to be made out of them because they tend to be more age sensitive? Or do they want people, particularly their husbands, to make a big deal about it? And obviously there is the overlay of my own particular situation here.

Well......I don't recommend throwing her an "over the hill" party. But as I've been saying recently, It depends on the current stitch. My short answer is that you need to celebrate your W's birthday. Unless she is one of these rediclous women who don't want anyone knowing their age, then you can have a party for her. Either way, don't ignore her birthday. It is a milestone, so do something to celebrate "with" her......and don't send her off to be alone, as you had previously thought about doing. What would your old W have wanted?

Now, the last I have heard my wife say anything about this, was about 3 months ago in the early stages of our counseling, when she said "I feel bad because I think I'd really like to do something like fly off to Cancun for a week or something on my 50th, but I don't see myself doing that sort of thing with you, I see it more with my girlfriends and I feel like normally that's something you should want to do with your husband, but I'm just having trouble seeing it right now" or something to that effect.

Doesn't matter what she said about it. BTW, this was a cold statement for her to say to you, but she was not interested in doing anything with you. At the time, I felt she was probably covering for a possible trip with just the girls. But who can go to Cancun for a week to celebrate a birthday! Does that not seem a bit over the top......or is it just me?

So now I'm like, "damn it, I should already have had something planned..." e

Yep! And besides, leave it to the good old BFF to snatch her away without even consulting with you before taking it upon herself to make plans for your W's birthday...assuming it does fall on her birthday. Oh well, if your W decides to leave, you can always have it another date.

I'm just not sure I like the Dynamics of the whole situation, or of her going away twice in one month for that kind of weekend. Especially when I'd like to do something with her, my wife, to mark the occasion

I don't blame you, and before I started reading the board, I'd never heard of so many M women spending the night and/or going off on so many girlfriend trips. I still don't hear about it, locally. Sure, having a girls night out once in a while, but these ladies seem to push the limits. That is strictly JMHO.

Actually, I could find several negative comments to add about why she should not leave so frequently to take a girls trip. But I will spare you from hearing them. What bothers me is about you saying you wanted to do something with her. When was the last time you left her sitting at home while you GAL? Are you going to GAL while she is running around with the girls? Maybe it is time to plan doing something with your W, besides going to your favorite hangout. Anything becomes boring if you don't change it up sometimes.

If she continues going two weekends out of each month to be away from home. I think you need to say something about it to her. It is just not what people should be doing when they are trying to save their M after an affair. But in the meantime, get busy planning weekend activities when she's not away with her BFF.