I have copied your postings, as I cannot move them around like you would on paper. I will delete them from the other poster's thread. So here are the last two postings that you posted elsewhere:
"I came to post about my date. And I cannot put my feelings into words. So bear with me.
Before we went out, I guess I had my reservations, so I guess I didn't go into it with the best mindset. No red flags, just personality traits that weren't quite a turn on. And I made the mistake of looking him up on FB which painted a picture.
He is ok looking. Conversation was good, although there is something immature about him I can't quite put my finger on. He kept looking me up and down which I thought was weird. He told me I was very attractive. Positives is he knows exactly what it means to date a single mom. He's got a job and his own apartment. He likes hockey, although my rival team. Makes for interesting banter in most cases.
He seems almost to eager to make something work. He clearly doesn't want to be single anymore. He asked me out again, and he kissed me. I don't like the way he kisses. It was my first kiss since FF. Instead of having that giddy feeling, I actually shed some tears on the way home. I think more with disappointment in myself. The sparks aren't flying for me, I don't quite know why. They never really have on an online date. Only when I meet someone the old fashioned way.
It's me, I am messed up, I know I am. I have a standard set, I guess. What exNG and I had was one of a kind. I may never feel that ay again. I know it doesn't work for an actual R due to our other differences, but he will always be the standard on how I want to feel with someone. FF came close. Our connection wasn't as strong as me and exNG, but we had something uniquely special.
I want to feel that with someone. I don't know if it's something I can make happen. I don't even understand why I felt the way I did with this guy. He said it's one of the best OLD he's had.
I think I have a hard time dating someone without kids too. It's a special common bond, if that makes sense. I know FF didn't have any, but there was something about the way he was with his nephew and even D10. He is actually a natural.
I will probably get blasted for going on another date, but I think I should give it a chance. See what was wrong with me last night. Or what's wrong with me all together.
Tonight I am getting together with some of my long time friends. A few of us are still so close, but due to life and the such, we never get to see the others. We are having a girls night with food, drinks, games. This is what my heat is excited for.
Oh, and Juju, the last thing I wanted to come off to FF as desperate and needy. Or even wanting him in anyway. I actually don't even want to be friends with him. I just felt bad and I thought maybe his reaching out in every which way had to od with the tragedy in the fam. But really, it's just a game he plays, and I will not play it anymore. Never going to answer again.
Today would have been our one year anniversary. Which means nothing when you only date for a few months. But I call myself the rainman of dates. Dates always stick in my head, everything that happened on those days, down to what I wore. yet I can't remember a name for life of me, go figure.
And before anyone says anything, my comparisons aren't because I long for these guys of the past. It's the feeling I know I should have with someone else and it's hard to settle for something less. And probably because I do well on my own. So it's got to give me something totally worth it."
And here is DonH's response:
"I don't know that I have a lot but one thing I'm positive of is you are not "Messed Up" - certainly not in the traditional sense of that word. That said, I think some of the dynamic is you - but not in a messed up sense.
I also think you should go out again with him. It just is really too darn hard to tell the first time you meet someone - unless you know there is just no attraction. I've had that. Actually my first OLD way back when - I knew within 60 seconds we were not a match and there was just no way. That's not what you describe here though. I think something is going on with you in part - but it's not to the level of you are broken and messed up.
My other observation is, I wonder if women every feel or say things like you did about this guy about me? I don't want to make this about me though so I'll move off of it quickly. Just to say, that I sometimes think about this and for whatever reason, perhaps I'm sort of a successful perfectionist in other areas of life, that it just kills me to have a woman look at me like you are looking at this guy. So much so I'd rather not pursue or date at all than have someone be put off by my conversation, or how I look at them or how I kiss them. Thing is, deep down, that's not me. I know it's not because of dozens of women in the past. Unless I've changed, they just don't know me well enough yet. Could that be the case with this guy?
Finally, you say, it was no big deal. You were just going to meet him and whatever happens, happens. But then you are researching him on Facebook and building things up. These two don't match. It's one thing to say you are going to do something - or not do something - and another to actually do it. You are saying one thing but doing another. You are trying to make it no big deal and just act as if but then are making it a bigger deal by your actions. I don't know why you are doing this but I do know it's not helping you. It almost seems like no guy has a chance unless he knocks you off your seat and brings up the feelings of the past. If not, he's shot down before he gets started. Yes, you're going to give me a second chance - but are you really?
In some ways I'm the same. Is that why both of us have not had a LTR in 10 plus years while many others have? Are we too ridged, expecting too much? I know for me, I don't know any other way. I can't feel what I don't feel. It may be the same for you. But that also means for both of us, unless we get really, really, really lucky and meet that one in one thousand person we are not going to feel it. There has to be some reason others find a great match on their first OLD try and we can't get a third date after multiple years. It's not you or me 100% but we have to have some level in this.
Not sure if that helps but it's all I've got right now." _________________________ DonH
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
