Bye bye limbo -- it's time for a change

[mleigh4]

Thank you Bttrfly ^^^

Hello everyone. I have been doing pretty good....I am a bit frustrated with myself though. It seems all I do is cycle through feelings at BD and how much I dislike H. I am constantly thinking about the things he has done, the pain he has brought to me and S, and how disgusted I am with his self absorbed choices. Add to that my disappoint in him for not being the man to love and protect his family, but to instead drop them for his own selfish needs. I'm not kidding, this is going through my mind 24/7 and it's driving me crazy!

I tell myself to stop, I try to distract myself, I tell myself I will never understand his choices and to accept that I have different values but then I find myself right back to H bashing in my mind.

I wonder if this is all coming up in lieu of D discussions? Maybe I had just buried this and not really dealt with it. Ugh I want it to stop. It's such a waste of energy and brain space, and I keep missing the moment. I want to just live for the moment. I hope to find a way to get this under control.

Snow trip with H is in 1 week. I am so looking forward to the time off and away! I also look forward to it being over so I can feel free to move forward with decisions about divorce. Part of me hopes H changes his mind about going, and part of me hopes we can go and bring some peace back between us.

Me and MIL continue to chat about our situations. Her H has now moved in with his son and refuses marriage counseling. She insists she can never live with him again unless he gets counseling. She was in a big rush to sell the house and get her own place, until she saw the reality of home prices around us. This has her panicked and not sure what to do. Welcome to my world!!! I told her just that, and gave her the advice I have been given here... Slow down, don't rush or try to control things you can't control, and let things have some time to play out. It intrigues me that she just had this blow up with her H at Christmas and she is rushing into all these big decisions.

It's a little weird talking with her, being that my situation revolves around her S. She voices her disappointment in him and encourages me to do what I need to be happy. She acknowledges that H gets stressed very easy, that she sees no sign of a woman in his house because she looks for it, she too doesn't understand his choices other than he found his previous life intolerable, (ouch) and that it seems me and H perceive our marriage and situation completely different. She says my H never talks to her about anything, that he is just like his father in that they are emotionally shallow and unable to get very deep. She said her and FIL did marriage counseling many times and that FIL just never "got it". He would tell her flat out, I don't get it. She even told me I need to free myself from this situation because I never know if Mr. Right may come into my life.

These talks with her have been quite fascinating, but I wonder if it's a good idea and if it might be part of my spinning. I will test it out and try to keep our conversations strictly about her and her situation. It's just hard to not want to dig into my H mother's mind in hope of some answers, you know!?

There again I go wanting answers. She told me point blank, I may never have my answers for what H has done and I need to find a way to be at peace with that. It's actually good advice coming from a woman I have wanted to blame for all of this for years.

Anyway, on a more positive note, overall life is good. S is doing well in his last year at elementary school. He begins middle school in August and they will have no after school care for him to go to. Good news financially! So he feels he is ready to be at home alone with dog for the hour I go back to work after picking him up from school. We have been practicing his being home alone for short periods and he is loving the independence. I was a latch key child myself and was very mature and responsible about it. I see the same in S. I am so proud of him and just amazed watching my little guy grow up.

The housing market here continues to boom. What was once a small town is now growing and improving and my work is picking back up to busy times. I have taken on more duties at work which equals more money and liking the padding in my budget.

I have had some fun outings with friends and continue to feel grateful for many things in my world. Spring already seems to be coming and I look forward to the transformation in my yard.

Life is good, I just need to work on getting control back with my thoughts. And I need to stop trying to figure out the "why". If only I could stop looking for answers.

M