sharing her phone (and I noticed the other day when she handed me her phone to do something that it still had a lock on it-- she unlocked it for me but that lock is still activated), that the easier trust gets for me, and that that is not about beating her up for the past but rather about rebuilding our relationship and building intimacy going forward. MC kind of touched on those points but I don't think that that's what W got from me.
If I had not been on the board when I ended my A, I'm sure I would have made major mistakes during piecing. I have learned more from H's in your position, than I ever learned from my own H. However, speaking from her side......I don't think she is getting a clear picture of what you need from her to heal. And she needs to know the reason you continue (directly or indirectly) to the A is b/c it is the elephant in the room, which grows larger when she gets so defensive.
Does she really "get" why you need her to be transparent, or does she see the action as being punitive? Are you sure you really explained the reason behind transparency, or did you more or less tell her it was to earn your trust? Well, it is for that reason, too, but there is more to it. It is not a form of punishment. I can see how she could see it in connection to paying for her sin of unfaithfulness. Especially, since she is so defensive toward anyone that steps on her toes. If she is under the impression it's all about the A.....then she needs to be told that it is to help both of you, and so as to not having unanswered/unexplained "situations".
If she wants to cheat, being transparent with her phone will not stop her. She should be told it is not a means for you to control her, or take away her privacy. But at the end of the day, she should be told that transparency will help keep away a lot of demons that are ready are gobble you up the first time she is late coming home or whatever. If this is something she can do to help restore the MR, then ask her why would she not freely do it. She also needs to know it will not last forever. The quickest way for her to deal with transparency is to just be honest. When a W, especially one who is/was wayward doesn't want to show her H the phone, or she has to unlock it before handing it over to her H..........I have a big problem with it. You should have calmly asked her for the password, but she would probably have given some excuse......like, security reasons. OTOH, if she did not take a minute to scan her messages before releasing the phone to you.......all may not be completely hopeless.
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IDK, if I ever have the occasion to be looking over the phone WITH her again, I might bring it up, after which I am sure she will delete it just like she did the FB messenger thread).
Why do you think you should look "with" her?
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But... yes it would make things easier, though, even then, it wouldn't change some of the things she's said that give me pause.
Transparency is not a fix for either of you. It is a coping method, as you are healing and getting through the initial stages of repairing the M. My question to any WW would be, "Is it too much to ask"? IMHO, there is only one real reason a W would not want her H seeing her phone, and it is b/c she has something to hide. She may give excuses.....but her real reason is b/c she has something to hide.
I understand her resentment and defensive stand, but I also know she has to figure how to get out of it. Hopefully, the MC will help her figure it out. Anything further about intensive sessions, as suggested by your W?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
