Newbie In Need Of Guidance #2

[sandi2]

Hi, just wanted to pop in and tell you I have not forsaken you. I've gotten behind in some of the threads, but I'm trying to catch up.

I read the rest of your previous thread, and I wanted to tell you that after reconsideration, I do agree that you were right in trying to deesculate the situation with your out of control W in the car. It was so pitiful to hear how it scared your little boy. How does he seem now?

You may feel the need to protect the relationships between the children and their mom, but you cannot take responsibility for her relationships with her kids. It may be painful, but trying to cover up or make excuses for your W's bad behavior, teaches kids to keep dark secrets and not talk about what goes on behind the doors at home. I suppose you would know better than anyone, b/c of your own tragic homelife growing up. Your youngest children may even need to meet with a counselor, just to have someone outside the family to talk about their feelings.

I completely agree with Accury's advice. I tell H's that confronting their W about another man or suspecting an A is nothing more than a warning. It tells her you are on to her A, and she'll take it deeper underground. As Accury said, she will most likely deny it and then her fury will be unleashed on you. Which, IMHO, is a dead give away. An innocent woman would be stunned or concerned that she had done something to make her H doubt her faithfulness.......and then, she would do anything to assure him she loved him, and only him. However, the W who is guilty of any type of an A, will either get very angry or she'll gaslight him and make him think he's imagining it all.....or tell him they are just friends.

We have had many posters who reported about confronting their W about her A......with proof in his hands. Even having pictures of them in bed.......and her denying it's an A. Oh, the stories of how they went to a motel and started to engage in sex......but that she just couldn't go through with it. One W claimed she and OM were in the middle of intercourse, and she stopped the guy and left the hotel.....b/c she felt so badly about what it would do to her H. . Uh-huh.

Some H's want to confront, just to let the W know the he knows about it. Well, that's not a well though out plan. So what does he do after he reveals that he knows? What does he expect she'll do, once she knows her H is aware? See, this doesn't make sense to me, for a man to think that confronting his W with news he aware of her A will automatically cause an end to it. Even those rare accounts (I can count on one hand) that the W broke down and cried and promised to never see the OM again.......did not stick to her word. B/c it just doesn't work that way with a wayward W.

The H must have a plan. And the first thing is that the A must end the second he confronts his W. No more contact between the W and OM.......ever for the rest of their lives. That means she can't work with him, go to the same gym, let him coach her kids, share in community services together, attend the same social groups/friends, or go to the same church. If you don't believe me, then research affair addiction. The fact that you are concerned about how you should act around the OM, and your W and OM together........tells me you have no plan or idea of how to handle any of this.

By the time you get this post, last night will be over. So, you can tell us how it went.

My plan is to just act as normal as I can, with the exception of maybe giving him a crushing handshake.

This isn't necessarily an opportunity to win her back, but it is an opportunity to make things worse.

I am thinking you accidentally left out a word when typing that last sentence. Being a man who has the NGS, I suspect you meant to say, "it is an opportunity to not make things worse". B/c that is how nice guys operate. They don't want to ruffle anyone's feathers or cause waves.......and although he will be thrown in the mix of OM and his W, he figures he'll just act as if everything is perfectly fine, so things won't get worse. Don't misunderstand. I'm not suggesting you should intentionally cause an embarrassing scene, or choose that occasion to tell OM you suspect an A. I'm just pointing out how a man with NGS thinks. You don't want to make things worse, so does that mindset cause you to put up with situations you should not have to tolerate?

I'll be fair and say you did not want to cause a public scene last night. At the same time, I'll ask you to examine yourself to see if this your approach toward most things in your life. You want to smooth things over, deesculate, prevent it from getting worse, etc. One would probably agree that makes good sense in most cases. We should conduct ourselves in a polite, civil manner.

Remember when I was talking about the Alpha vs the Beta male? The difference in their thinking about this situation would be that the Beta male would agree with you all the way on the decision to not do anything that might make things worse. Then he would keep his resentment and sense of injustice pushed down in his soul, like he normally does. However, the Alpha male would be more like......."I am not going to pussyfoot around and play nice with some guy I suspect of being inappropriate with my W". Again, I'm simply using this example in pointing out the differences in the two mindset. Most Alphas are much cooler than my example.

There are varying opinions in how to approach or deal with this stuff. Some say to ignore OM, drop the rope, act as if you are dumping her, and move forward in making a life for you and your kids. Some people say you should expose the affair, b/c covering for it is no solution.......plus it eats away at your self respect and confidence. I am just telling you that I have very little faith in the MR genuinely getting better by simply trying to wait out an affair to end. The issue that led her into an A with OM#1, will lead her into the next A, and the next, if the MR doesn't change. None of these suggestions are a quick fix to the MR. Sadly, some H's associate fixing their M problems with meaning his W ends her A. It is usually more complexed than just ending an A, and then everything bounces back to whatever was "normal" in the MR.

So, like I said, you need a plan based on your values, standards, principles, and spiritual beliefs. Decide what type of changes you need to make as a man. Get as much information as possible. Be realistic, maintain balance, and don't make some big move before checking here.......b/c you really could make things even worse.