You could expect that from a teen, but from a 35 year old...
In many ways, she is like a teenager. It would be much better for you if you could stop analyzing everything she says and letting it mess with you. There is one expectation you can have about her........she will not seem like a normal 35 year old woman as long as she is in this mindset. Whenever the two of you interact, just prepare yourself to hear something that seems completely juvenile, illogical, or insane. If you will stop expecting her to be "normal", then maybe, these experiences will become easier to dismiss.
Also, Petri, be prepared for her to have another bout of "not sure of what she wants". Although she has said she "wants this", the more reality begins to bite her in the a$$, the more concerned she will be for her own security. Apparently, she still thought the lifestyle she had become accustomed to would continue after the D.......even thinking you would pay alimony. If she believes you can provide better financial security........she just might have a week moment and temp check to see if you would put the D on hold. However, if she made that move, it would be another deed motivated from concern for herself......rather than love. If and when she comes through this later, and if she hasn't remarried and you haven't either........who knows. She might come to her senses and seek you out, humbly ask for your forgiveness and express her sincere remorse for the destruction and pain that she caused. But if that ever happens, and if she wants to try again.......don't take her back too quickly and too easily. Couples need a good MC the second time around.
She still turns to you when she is upset, and she takes it out on you many times. This is due to her resentment and b/c she has not completely let go of those actions that came within the relationship with you. Does that make sense? In other words, it's a habit or behavior pattern that was developed during the MR. It's similar to losing a close loved one in death, and some days later you catch yourself picking up the phone to call them. It really has not sunk in to her head that you are not going to be in her life.......apart from co-parenting the kids.
If you have decided you cannot emotionally endure her anymore, then don't react to things she says. Try your best to act as if you are just an observer who is emotionally detached from her drama. Don't take anything personally, blame yourself, or get upset by her words. It is a coping technique that works for many people who want to protect themselves from the aftermath of the breakup.
Hope things get better for you real soon.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
