So, my husband stopped by tonight. He knew I saw a lawyer this morning and asked about it. We talked for ten or fifteen minutes. My husband still insists on a divorce but he's less rushed and angry now. He said things tonight like "you know that 50% of people who get divorced go back to each other right?" He said "I need to get divorced to get a fresh start. I need to feel like I'm making my own choices." He also said when we move to the new city he will visit every one or two weekends (who knows if he will). I asked if we can sometimes have dinner together with our daughter to give her a sense of normalcy. He said "not just dinner together, I will stay with you at the apartment when I come." He said he's not angry at me, that he's talked to other physicians who are divorced and they all say the same things about their wives so he knows everyone makes the same mistakes and has the same behavior (probably referring to wanting to spend time together, asking for more than the husband can give, etc..). He said he'll never get re-married unless it's to me. He said he wants to start fresh.
I have no idea what's going through my husband's mind. I think his true motive for divorce is to have fun with his 26 year old girlfriend, go out, be single, party, and do whatever he wants without anyone being hurt or angry at him. Then after he gets tired of that it seems like he's considering returning someday.
I can't imagine life in a year or two from now. I don't know if my husband would ever return, if I'd ever take him back, if I'd find someone else...for now I have to get divorced. But I do feel relief knowing my husband wants to spend time with my daughter and I. I would be happy for that because it will give us an opportunity to reconcile, for him to see me under better circumstances, and for our daughter to feel that she has parents who can spend time with her together as a family.
I still wish my husband would change his mind but I don't think he will. For a few seconds tonight he had tears in his eyes as I was telling him that we're doing fine alone and our daughter is getting more independent (I'm not really fine although I am handling everything alone).
I guess I should be thankful that my husband supports me in moving back to our old city. He said he'll move there in about a year after he sells the house. I guess a lot will change in the next year. Maybe I should focus more on the next one year and less about the future beyond that time. I keep feeling afraid of the whole future...all the uncertainty and fear of being divorced. I guess a one year time horizon is more beneficial for now.
I really appreciate everyone's support here. Thanks again for listening.
