Thanks for the suggestions. My plan was to ask that my W and stepson work full time so that they know that I am not willingly paying all the bills -- sort of to go on the record. I don't really expect them go out and get full-time jobs, but they need to be accountable for their own financial security.
Okay, but that will probably not be enough to spur them into action. Until their lack of contribution affects them directly, they will assume you will do as you've always done.......which is to complain about it, but you go on and pay the bills.
My suggestion is to devise a plan to split the bills, where everyone is responsible to pay out of their own pocketbooks. For example, instead of cutting down on the tv channels, tell your W you are no longer paying the cable bill or whatever source supplies the channels.. She will have to figure out what she can afford. That way, you don't appear to be controlling how much tv she watches. Make sense? If the bill is not paid, don't bail her out. Allow her to experience the consequences.
The same rule applies to the adult S-son. Tell him you will no longer pay for Internet service, or whatever it is he likes to do all day. If he loses it, so be it. You will use the Internet connections elsewhere to post on the board.
Do either of them smoke? Do not buy their cigarettes. Do either of them drink, same rule applies. What about cell phones? Do not buy their gas. Do not pay for their entertainment. Personal things like, their favorite brand of toiletries, you should not buy for them......and they should not be allowed to use yours. Do not give them the money to eat out, or anything that is for their pleasure. Do not allow them to use your credit cards, or give them cash for buying clothes or personal items. In fact, just don't give them money for anything......and they will save you the hassel of asking what they want, etc. Anything they want personally for themselves, they need to supply the means. Now, utilities, mortage payments, and things that affect "you".......you need to continue paying. If she has previously been in charge of sending off the payments for utilities, mortgage, buying groceries, etc..........then stop it. You send payments for the things that will affect you. Don't give either of them money under the assumption they are buying groceries or anything. It's time to get very serious in your actions. And unfortunately, there are W's who are very deceitful in how they spend their H's paycheck. Therefore, if you haven't opened a new checking account in your name only, I suggest you do it ASAP.
That's what I mean by it affecting them directly. If they don't take you seriously, or when you stop paying for all their other stuff and they still make no effort to even look for work, you might consider buying your dinner and eating before going home after work........or buy carry out just for yourself. Tell them they have to contribute to purchasing groceries or go without. This may seem harsh, but it would definitely make a believer out of them......if you won't cave. Don't tell them, but I would not wait until the house was completely emty of groceries before you advise them to start contributing to the food bill. Your goal is not to starve them, but to shake their lazy a$$es awake. As long as you stay logical about enforcing these rules, and don't cave when they start crying or using other emotional pressure to get you to pay for what they want.....they will find enough income to contribute to the things they want.
I would give them two weeks to a month to find work. It doesn't have to be their dream job.......just anything that pays. Adult children, and wives, can find a lot of excuses to why they can't find work.......but there is usually some type of work out there. It's just not what they prefer to do. I would wait to the last resort before not buying groceries......but stop giving her money and telling her to go buy it. When you trust her to use your money on household expenses........she will deceive you and take advantage. So, you will have to shop for the food and household needs if it comes down to it.
It sounds as if they have taken advantage of you for a long time. The suggestions above may not save the M, but it will either cause them to get a job, respect you for what you have provided, or they will leave. I understand how she sides with her son, and she spoils him. She blackmails you, in order to make you support her adult son. But my suggestion is to start with ending your finances to pay for anything he wants. If he is content to stay in his room and still not contribute enough to buy his personal stuff, then go the route with the groceries. He should leave immediately, and frankly, you haven't anything to lose that you aren't currently facing anyway.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
