WW, A ended, but struggling to reconnect (My 11th)

[sandi2]

I am going to have a longer reply to what Sandi2 posted, probably when I update after MC tonight, but I wanted to explore this particular issue, which both Sandi and Ginger have brought up-- let's call it "Dominant/Submissive" or, perhaps, "Manly Pursuit."

Perhaps we have hit you over the head too many times about pursuing. Dominance and pursuing are not the same. Pursuing is chasing someone or something that is running away from you.......or is not responding the way you desire. Dominance doesn't chase. Dominance is mainly being in charge.

There are times it definitely requires action to maintain the dominant position, but dominance doesn't chase. Dominance is seen in various areas of our society. We see it in the military, the workforce, a group of friends, schoolyards, and in families. IMHO, the dominant person has a mindset, an attitude, and a confidence that others can see. Dominant people are the natural leaders. I have seen people placed in positions of leadership, but they were more the submissive type, and therefore, failed miserably at their jobs.

So, my question here is (though the answer seems obvious): IS the draw of these movies to women that they all secretly (or not so secretly) want to, at least at times, be "submissive" to a "dominant" man sexually/romantically? Sandi sort of implies this, and it is the gist of what Ginger is saying as well. But, if so, doesn't this sort of fly in the face of the whole "non-pursuit" angle? (To which, I assume, the answer as Sandi seems to be saying is that if you are to the point of reconciling/piecing, and have been in a SSM, that the dominant/pursuing male model is actually what you want to be emulating(?))

Here again you are linking dominance with pursuing. It is not the same. Yes, women want a man who is sexually dominant. Why should it be so shocking? That is how God originally designed it. I think women are drawn to the romantic novels and movies, b/c of what is missing in their own relationships. It's nice to watch a sweet love story........equal to the Little House on the Prairie. However, these are not the type of stories that will get her blood pumping. It is reading or watching a storyline where the female character's senses are consumed by the male character. Of course he sexually dominates her! Of course that's what draws her natural feminine desire to submit to his dominance. It appeals to all straight women, IMHO, and they even enjoy reading or watching movies about it.

If a woman is sexually straight, she's not going to feel the desire to sexually submit to another woman. Neither will she feel the desire with a Beta, passive-type man........b/c he takes the submissive role. I mean, she can make the choice to submit, but that's nothing compared to a dominant male who draws her natural feminine sexual responses. That is what makes all the difference for women! When she is with her dominant male, it's as if her senses are in contol of her free will.......and he's in control of her senses. Well, that's how it sounds in the books, anyway. And, that's what draws the women, b/c that is what they dream about.

I will try to comment without getting into too long of a post, which is difficult b/c you are really talking about more than the subject of dominance in your quote above. Once a couple reconciles, and the WW is showing respectful behavior toward her H and their MR, and she is doing all she can to atone for her wayward actions.........then he has to transitition from the position of a LBH to that of a H in piecing. Which means, he is leading, not chasing. That is why it is important to know where the MR stands. Men fall into the limbo status in the MR, b/c they don't know where it stands, so they wait on their W to lead. Bad mistake. If she was wayward, then she does not need to be leading the relationship. That's one of the problems that started this whole mess.

I suppose the issue with men is that the lines get blurred between dominance, initiating sex, pursuit, sex, leadership, sex, etc. Did I mention sex? You did not develop a decade of SSM overnight, and you probably won't come back overnight. (Based on comments you've made about previously holding back from non-sexual touches, I think you might want to consider some therapy for that precise issue). There was something in you before you ever married, that held you back from non-sexual touches. Does it play a part in the SSM? IDK, but I can tell you that if she is not receiving any intentional human touch from you........I don't think your MR stands much of chance. Oh, you may continue living together, but I don't think it will ever be intimate, without you initiating human touch. You even said touch was her LL! So, in the words of 25yrsmlc....."Figure that sh't out"!

One, which she was said both then and now, is that sometimes she "likes it rough", and she would want to be just "thrown down and taken"

I really think this indicates a strong desire to be sexually dominated. I doubt that she wants to be inflicted with pain......but who knows.

I was still a teenager when I got married. I very innocent about men, and especially about sex. So, I needed my sweet, gentle, nice-guy H throughout our initial months of M life together. As I started maturing, I thought I must be frigid b/c I was not feeling sexually turned on by my H. Long story, but I found myself drawn to the books and movies, and I daydreamed about being seduced by a dominant male. I wanted my H to be more aggressive in our lovemaking. Don't get me wrong, I don't do pain.......but, I would have liked it a little rougher than just him hovering above my body and waiting on me to do the work.

Maybe your W is into role playing, IDK. My thoughts are that you don't need whips and chains to be sexually dominant. You were given a glimpse into something she craves, by her reaction to the movie. Who knows........you might be able to jump start this thing by buying a pair of handcuffs!

Seriously, your stature has nothing to do with it. I am tall, so I wanted to date guys taller than me. Perhaps that goes back to the natural desire of wanting to feel dominanted by the male. Although it is not as unusual these days, it once was very uncommon to see a tall woman with a shorter man. But hey, look at all the 5'9 to 5'10 actors who portray very masculine roles.

When I would fantasize, I would always be with a man who was much taller than me. Actually, I always wanted to be about 5'4".......so maybe I was really fantasizing about my height. But here's the thing, you or I can do nothing about our height. I can't get shorter and you can't get taller. At the end of the day, height really has very, very little to do with our attraction and sexual fulfillment with the one we are with. I sincerely believe your W's reference to her previously choosing taller guys is her expressing her need to feel sexually dominated. A tall man overshadowing a petite woman.........isn't that the picture of a type of domination? If she's tall and wants a picture of domination, she thinks she needs to get a much taller guy to fill the bill. But realistically, this is not necessary. Not if he's the man, internally, that she needs. There are a lot of tall men walking around that have no clue about things that really matter in the bedroom.........or so I've heard. Yes, we women speak in codes. I'll admit it. But it's b/c we know that the most fragile thing on earth is the male ego. So, I'm here......telling you guys what your W's won't say.

So, all this seems to be pointing to the idea that, yes, in a vacuum, this "dominant male" stance is one that my wife (and perhaps even all women) find attractive and want to see in a man. The only real question for me, then, is is the timing right for me to be more aggressive in pushing that on her? My inclination would be "yes, what have I got to lose", but would love to hear what folks have to say about all of the above.

Yes, it is time to take the dominant stance. Just please remember what I've said about starting with non-sexual touching. You need to get comfortable with it, before undertaking more intimate touching. And, then move from non-sexual to things that are considered more personal.......like touching her face, hair, neck, etc. If she does not flinch, pull away, or stiffen her body, then that means she is good. If you see this as "pursuing", then so be it. I see it as you meeting her part way, b/c she has tried reaching out to touch you. It is, also, being dominant. A dominant male is not afraid to get up close in her personal space. He doesn't have to.......but he's not hesitant to do it. This is also a move from transitioning from your position of a LBH to one in piecing..........if you believe your W is being genuine in her commitment.

She did cozy up to me on her own last night in bed.

And what did you do? Although some women just want to cuddle without it leading to sex..........I would say this is a signal from her that she wants more physical contact. How many times has she been the one to make this sort of move toward you? But what do you do, when she makes these moves? Do you respond likewise? Do you take control? Do nothing? Coming from a SSM is challenging, but someone has to make the first move. By that, I don't mean you should go from zero touching on a daily bases to fully engaging in sexual intercourse the first time your hand reaches out to her.

I think the topic of sex is on the minds of both you and your W. She wants, and probably needs, to know that she has not committed to a SSM for the rest of her life. Not being happy in the MR helped to lead her in making very bad decisions. For me, I felt like I lost my last chance at happiness when I ended my A. If she had similar feelings, then she needs encouragement by seeing that her H wants her as a woman, and as his W. She has seen she can have fun with you, now she needs to see if sex is in the near future, too. Yes, start with baby steps........but once you get to the place you feel pretty confident, then don't just stand there.......or lay there. Take control. Remember, dominance is a mindset.

So, now tell us the different ways you touched her today.