I stepped away from these boards for a little while to gather my thoughts and just focus on stuff IRL. Nothing has changed in the sitch with W. Just wanted to write out some thoughts as a way of processing them.
I have been inching closer to the decision of not wanting to recon and file for D. I can’t file for D until summer technically, so it’s not like I am going out the door to do it. I haven’t run out of patience or the little hope that I had put away. I believe that I will not be able to overcome the betrayal and what she has done. And rather than putting my energies in trying to revive a new MR, I am better off moving forward with my life and be with someone who will love me, respect me, and support me, and call me out on my bull$hit. With what I know of my W – high anxiety; sexual hang-ups; bad communication; unable to manage conflict – I just know that unless she does some serious IC and work on herself, she won’t be overcoming any of that. And I don’t think she has what it takes to do that. And I won’t go back to a R where those are still major issues with her.
The other issue that I have been grappling with is the problem of ‘who files for D’? I know that it is a very personal choice and what I have to say is not a judgment on anyone here. When I came here, my thinking was that I didn’t want a D and would do whatever it took to at least get a shot at recon. Even when I stabilized, I still didn’t want a D. So, I started to dig into why that was. First, I didn’t want her to ever be able to say that “look, I was right. He did want a D”. She’s justified whatever she’s done by thinking that I didn’t want to be with her and that I would see that over time – this is not true for me. So, I didn’t want to file for D for her to think she was right. Second, I believe that our issues are resolvable and it could’ve been addressed through counselling – which she has staunchly refused. So, with her being in the driver’s seat in all of this, I thought I would continue DBing, and give her a D if she wants to follow through – I think this is a very admirable stance and position to take, but I am not sure if I can do that anymore.
With DBing, the focus has to be on the LBS and getting through the BD tornado, observe and evaluate the wreckage, start rebuilding the foundation and then the rest of the house – can’t be the same old house. Your hope is then that the other person will come and help you build this new house. But, if they don’t, then you at least have something that can withstand whatever is thrown at it next. I am working on precisely that right now.
I am also tired acting ‘as if’ and seeing her, even though it’s very infrequent. I don’t see an attractive confident woman in her; I see a weak cowardly woman who took the cheap way out. I really don’t see anything in her now that I’d want aside from nostalgia and keeping the family unit intact. I do have anger and hurt and resentment over the betrayal. We LBS’s are expected to work all that $hit out through IC and self-improvement – which is definitely a good thing – but in acting pleasant, chill, and whatever with the WW/WH is like an exercise in delegitimizing your feelings. They f#cKin shattered everything and blew it all up and the LBSs are just supposed to find some inner fortitude and be pleasant? I see that as an exercise in extreme restraint and undermining your feelings. OTOH, I do see acting that way and faking it until making it as a powerful way of taking control over yourself and not letting the other person dictate your feelings and behaviours. I guess I am just at a place where I don’t have any gray space left in me to act in a certain way. I am going to be who I am now and she should see the clusterf*ck crater she set off with the nuclear BD and the hurt and pain she has caused. I am not going to put it in her face, but I am not going to suppress my feelings. This means that if I can’t be pleasant and chill with her, then I just remove myself from that interaction.
I will file for D because I have my own self-respect and dignity. I will file for D because I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t fully love me I will file for D because I deserve a better partner I will file for D because I am no longer afraid of being by myself
I need a herculean effort on her part for me to change this course. I am not keeping the road paved any more – I won’t erode it, but I am not maintaining it. I need to see her break from her cowardly ways and show me that I matter. There is time – at least six months – for her to show me something different. If not, I will file. I don’t care if it makes her think she was right about whatever. The only real DB philosophy that I will continue is NC/staying dark and self-improvement. I am done with her, but as AS says, give it a few more months and see if you still feel that way. The hourglass has started.
