Hoping this can be saved, but having doubts

[reframe]

I used to call her randomly (occasionally) to say hello, text her when I got to work, etc.. One one hand the idea of going back to doing some of this is very comforting, but it also feels like pursuing, and like it goes directly against a lot of the advice I've gotten here.

[reframe]

See last post on page #3 about DB call with Chuck for the above post to make more sense.

[reframe]

I'm surprised to see such (apparently) different advice between the coaches and the community.
In some ways this makes it harder, I wasn't HAPPY about separating, but I at least felt I was doing the right thing. This is throwing more indecision on the fire.

[winner]

I work with Chuck as well and I will say that his advice sometimes goes against what I read here. But the reason is that he helps you with individual details so I would continue with his advice. It has helped me so much in seeing glimmers of hope here and there without being unrealistic.

[Coconut]

Hey, to further confuse things I just had a DB call with Chuck.
He suggested that:
1. I do a 180 in how I handle arguments, and stop being the peacemaker, say "I'm not going to put up with being treated that way" and either suggest that she take a walk, or walk away.
2. That I continue to GAL
3. That I resume leaving her love notes, initiating cuddling and speaking her love languages here and here - this one is a tough one for me, because of all the effort I've put into not pursuing.
4. That I not ask her to leave - since I don't mean it right now.

On this board, most of us, certainly me are not professionals and I would certainly put more weight to what the coaches advise. With that said, #’s 1, 2 & 4 are actions (or inaction in the case of #4) and are not conversations. I’m not sure I understand the reasoning with #3, but again, I’m not a professional, but I think the other 3 go right along with what I said.

My point is, you taking an action doesn’t require a conversation with her about what/why/how, you just take control of your life (GAL, Boundaries, you move out) as you see fit.

[Coconut]

Also, I went back to check your timeline and see that you are only a very short time into this. I think you are pushing all or nothing (separation) way to early, time is your friend and you would be much better off using this time to GAL and 180's.

I think you mentioned in your first post that she has been using this time to make a life of her own, and that's what you should be doing also. Ultimately, if you both find happiness on your own (as long as it's not with OP), it will benefit each of you individually and that is attractive.

Stop pressuring her, if she feels the pressure removed interaction between you two will likely improve, but if you pressure her she will lash out.

Tell us about 180's you've made and GAL activities you are doing.

[LH19]

Reframe,

In regards to number 3. If you think there is an OM then no way in h3ll you do number 3.

If you feel you are collectively working on the relationship then i would say go for it.

If you feel she has already check out it may make things worse.

[reframe]

Coconut -

I've been doing outdoor stuff on my own once a week or so, as well as spending time on pet projects. I have admittedly probably done this a bit too much on her schedule though. I had also done my best to implement Sandi's rules, esp. no "R" talk, not contacting her during the day unless she contacts me, etc, although no one is perfect with their implementation.

I can tell from my emotional state that I'm nowhere near detached though.


You're probably right that I'm jumping the gun to consider leaving..Seeing her clearly plan on being single and divorced makes me feel like I'm being taken for a ride (i.e. taken advantage of) and triggered a bit of an emotional button for me. That and having some clarity can be appealing, since the uncertainty is the hardest thing to deal with. But realistically waiting another few months won't change anything, and it could give a chance for things to improve.

LH19 and Coconut:
I think his rationale is that I should continue to show her I can meet her needs (i.e. speak her love languages) without falling into pursuit. That's a REALLY though balance of course. But his logic was that she also needs to be reminded of the value in the relationship. His argument is that "she is considering divorce because she doesn't think she can get her needs meet with you"

I don't believe there is an OM at the moment, just that she is having some fantasies about a mutual friend of ours (who lives in a different state). I know she's said (not to me) that she isn't physically attracted anymore and we haven't had sex in months. I haven't physically changed at all from when she was very attracted - so I'm sure this is an emotional issue between us, not anything physical.


Update:

For whatever it's worth, I sent a friendly "thinking of you" TM today. No ILY or anything.
She called me and chatted eagerly a little bit later.

We normally take a class together this evening - I made plans that may interfere with it, but will meet here there if time permits. I stopped by and she was generally positive and playful/affectionate. So I was positive and upbeat, and I made some plans for activities that don't involve her.
I also got a little glimpse of the woman I love (and who actually likes me).

The trick with this approach is not falling into pursuit mode. My mood is also WAY to dependent on how our last interaction happened to have gone.

[reframe]

Btw, thanks for the feedback guys. This has been one of the hardest periods of my life emotionally, and I really appreciate the support, advice and feedback.

Going to attempt to follow the advice above, and will schedule some more sessions with Chuck.

[Holding]

Reframe, it's very common for the coaches' advice to go against the majority viewpoint on the forums here. There's no good answer to that. You have to make the call. The coaches do have more experience in dealing with this though.

For whatever it's worth, I sent a friendly "thinking of you" TM today. No ILY or anything.
She called me and chatted eagerly a little bit later.

You may not realize it, but this is pursuit. Try to back off of that.

The trick with this approach is not falling into pursuit mode. My mood is also WAY to dependent on how our last interaction happened to have gone.

You'll drive yourself crazy thinking that every convo could be the make-or-break moment in saving your M.

Slow and steady.