Hoping this can be saved, but having doubts

[Benito]

Hi reframe..

Just posted on my thread if your interested in a read.

[reframe]

Hi Benito,
Do you mean this post?
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2761432&page=7

[reframe]

At what point do we say 'enough is enough'?

I know from snooping (I know, I know) that the wife is planning on D, although she hasn't said it to me yet. That she is afraid her resolve will fail and she'll "fall into old habits" or "comfort", and that things will get worse. She hasn't told me and of this though, and I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. She has reframed everything (of course) to make me the bad guy.

I also know that objectively, she is treating me terribly. I'm really tempted to say we need to have a conversation, and that I won't continue to be a provider, shoulder, friend, etc.. for someone who is clearly half in and unwilling to put any effort into maintaining a relationship. That she is welcome to try and form a relationship with me moving forward, but in the meanwhile, if she knows she doesn't want to be with me, we need to separate.

Thoughts are welcome. But I'm starting to feel like I'm being a doormat and enabling her to have her cake and eat it too.

[doodler]

Thoughts are welcome. But I'm starting to feel like I'm being a doormat and enabling her to have her cake and eat it too.

reframe,

Based on my own experience, as well as anecdotal evidence from this forum, I think the two-step process is the best approach to living your life and potentially reconciling with your wife (assuming that's what you want to do). The first step is to boot your wife out the door. The second step is move on with your life as a happy and confident guy.

Many of my cohorts disagree with me, but such is life.

[Coconut]

I'm really tempted to say we need to have a conversation, and that I won't continue to be a provider, shoulder, friend, etc.. for someone who is clearly half in and unwilling to put any effort into maintaining a relationship. That she is welcome to try and form a relationship with me moving forward, but in the meanwhile, if she knows she doesn't want to be with me, we need to separate.

why have the conversation? That's Persuing, and in your case you already know how she feels. The only reason you want the conversation is to try and get her to change her mind.. Pressure and persuit, both bad for you.

Don't want to be a doormat, then stop being one. Don't tell her, just DO IT. Your not going to change things by talking about it, only by making changes.

[reframe]

Doodler -

I do want to reconcile, but I can't do it on my own. My DB coach has suggested being a friend and treating her like a visiting houseguest. I've been trying that, but I feel like there is not enough separation between us, and me being around just gives her the opportunity to blame me for every small thing to justify her decisions.



Coconut -

There is certainly an element of truth to that.

That said, I need to have a conversation to kick her out.
I don't expect it to go well. In fact, I expect her to get nasty and say things like that she was willing to consider reconciling but isn't now, etc..

But I still feel like I clearly need to state my terms for the circumstances I'm willing to live in.

[Holding]

I agree with C'Nut. Separate.

You know where she stands from snooping. She'll see herself as weak if she stays with you at this point. Not only can you not talk her out of this, but she'll resent you if you do.

Go out and build an awesome life without her.

[reframe]

To play devil's advocate. Wouldn't many on here say "she was fully on board six months ago, what you're seeing now, is where she is RIGHT NOW, and that can change".

Not trying to be difficult, just trying to wrap my head around doing something incredibly hard.

[Holding]

That's very true. But the timeline for her changing her mind may be longer than you think (months or years).

Regardless, I really don't think in-house separation will help in any way. Let her go. I know it's not easy.

[reframe]

Hey, to further confuse things I just had a DB call with Chuck.
He suggested that:

1. I do a 180 in how I handle arguments, and stop being the peacemaker, say "I'm not going to put up with being treated that way" and either suggest that she take a walk, or walk away.

2. That I continue to GAL
3. That I resume leaving her love notes, initiating cuddling and speaking her love languages here and here - this one is a tough one for me, because of all the effort I've put into not pursuing.
4. That I not ask her to leave - since I don't mean it right now.