Good Riddance 2017

[Vanilla]

V, anyone

How is it possible that he kept this a secret from everyone?

There are two types of addicts. The first are functioning addicts who are covert and gaslighting. The second type are end stage addicts who are overt a D deteriorating.
I ask myself the same question, Ju, how was it possible to be with a high functioning gambler who 'blew' 820k in 4 years? How did I not know? Am I stupid? I have finance as my background FFS.

The have to hide the addiction, otherwise those around them might insist it cease.

One of his friends told my friend 10 years ago that he slept all day cause he was up doing coke. She told me this over 10 years ago and i thought his friend was jealous of him and exaggerated recreational use in the past.

That very term recreational use shows the predisposition.

I never caught the G gambling or at the bookies and no one ever warned me. But something wasn't right. I chose not to know and I chose to excuse and I chose ignorance. I didn't know what was wrong but I sensed something was. That's enabling and codependency. Even when I questioned or queried I got rage and blame, his behaviour was my fault. That's script.

Look at this from the addict's point of view, they have a home that someone else pays for, food, clothing, warmth, support, family atmosphere etc. An illusion to third parties of an ordinary family man. And no one questions it!

All of their resources can go to their addiction without them being questioned. No responsibility at all. They are going to maintain that as long as they can. This is why a situation such as yours will slow the damage the addiction does. That is why I say your presence slowed the deterioration.

I just thought the G was sports mad. A golfing freak. Even in court with the analysis of the finances in front of him, he denied it. Had to be led by the nose by a Barrister to admit it. The judge said he was proud of him for admitting it and he had financial needs as he had nothing left.
That's why he was awarded a portion of the value of the MBR.

His friend had also said that he gets away with everything at work and everyone thinks hes a superstar but he wasnt...something along those lines.

Charm and bon hommie. He can be good at what he does. Of course he can. Gaslighting all the way. Being an addict doesn't make him bad at what he does, it might make him 'brighter' or more productive. He may have a 'rule' for himself that he doesn't use at certain times.

I thought he was this superstar. But we had no money. He wasnt getting raises. He wasnt looking for other jobs.

Those are your thoughts, he created the image and you bought the illusion. It's called an ego mask, you and I didn't look any further than the ego mask. Our choice, it's enabling and codependency. The addict may morally have the obligation to tell you of their addiction but they don't and we don't ask. Our choice. We want the illusion. This is a long con.

That's standard fare. Addicts are often charmers.

His mother thinks im the reason he lives with her...that all his money is going to child support. He fools jer like he did me. Always evasive and always an excuse.

We enable with blindness. As soon as I uncovered this the raging and blaming started.

I dont understsnd how i was so oblivious!!! So blind. I obviously knew something was off because i was unhappy and we were always fighting. We fought because he was illogical. Our relationship was illogocal and i just fought it instead of ending it. And now i know why it was illogical.

It was illogical. Addicts put their addiction first above everything else. They need resources for their addiction. A wife who works, living off a friend or relative.
Every penny they have goes to feed the addiction. The addiction is limited by finance and time. The addict steals both, money the family needs and family time for their addiction. When restricted they give up the family, some tread the path to sobriety. The stats on recovery aren't good, and participating in recovery can also be gaslighting and the addiction goes even more hidden. Addiction doesn't always mean disordered but they tend to go hand in hand.

I dont understand how he hid this from me for 15 years. I didnt know the signs. But i knew things were off and felt unfair. And i resented him so much.

Ju this is the story of all addicts enablers.
Once you know then you can never unknow.

When i read about spouses of addicts, they usually know and were enabling.

Ju, that isn't so. Eventually they know, as do I, as do you. There is always a period of covertness the
Addict needs that. They have to be that way otherwise they won't be able to continue with their addiction.

I fought, but at the same tine i accepted odd behaviors. Why didnt i recognize the abnormality?

It was not within your experience. It is still enabling. It's called codependency. You are or were codependent. The fact is that is still codependency and enabling even though you were unaware. In the same way MIL is codependent and is being gaslit. As was I. We didn't ask or search because it would destabilise the R. It's a trade off.

What are common factors of being married to an addict?

Each addict is different, but they are the same.
The Addiction comes first before everything else. The obvious one is money, there never is any. You will always be broke. Another is time and preoccupation. The addict needs recovery time too. Everything they do is based around their addiction.

1. He could not have loved me...just an act. Or a cover?

The addict loves, it's just they love the addiction more.

2. Does he love our son?

I don’t know your addict. The addict loves but they love their addiction most of all.

Is it just a pretense?

Addiction doesn't preclude love. It won't be an unselfish love as you know and understand it. It's not as you experience it. Love is a choice, the addict chooses to love but they have an addiction. That comes first above resources for those they love.

He did not fight for custody.

Addicts know they are not suited for custody.
Plus custody will get in the way of addiction. Functioning is a balancing act for the addict. That takes a lot of planning and energy.

But does responsibly do the minimum of what is required.

Yes, he will, until decompensating starts.
It's not responsibility, but functioning.

3. He was empty. No real passion about anything.except maybe football?

Addictions often have a secondary passion.
It's a 'filler', it demands nothing and winning and losing of a team gives a rush. Plus he will spend a lot of time in withdrawal.

Does anyone know the effects of being a spouse or child of someone like this?

The best researched is alcohol. ACOA is the term Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Are there books for peopke that lived with secret addicts.

All addicts are secret until you know. Not knowing is still enabling and codependency. We choose not to know and to uncover. You probably covered for him even if you didn't know what you covered for him. You knew something wasn't right and you chose to not know, not to uncover. That's codependency and avoiding the issue. After I married the G and I insisted on knowing the Fins then I knew the unvarnished truth. I too enabled.

The point is that once you knew the truth, only thanks to your insistence on bank statements then the full extent of the damage became clear.

Not codependents that knew.

There is always a period of not knowing that's how it is. Either the addict tells or through a crisis the support person uncovers.

Anyone heard of the term dry drunks? I qonder if thats more relatable to me tjen someone sloppy or out of control.

Dry drunk is when someone gives up their addiction. Their substance or behaviour of choice but they still exhibit the behaviours of that addiction. They have embedded habits and behaviours. Your ex is an addict in active mode and thus isn't dry.

I have never seen my ex sloppy or out of control. I thought he hated alcohol.

He isnt addicted to alcohol. Alcohol is an obvious addiction. Although there are stages of high tolerance and high functioning even for alcoholics. Peeps can work and live with Alcoholics for years and not know. Alcoholics who don't start drinking until 6 every evening. Substance abusers may abuse and the commit illegal acts, such as driving drunk. He won't have the money for two raging addictions so the second may be an obsession like football. Sleeping in a MBR with you and living in a family home would be more restrictive than living with MIL or alone. These are called restrictive factors.

Im pretty sure pain pills. But have never seen them.

He has high tolerance of a long term addict.
That is the phase of addiction he maintains. All addicts eventually overstep and start to decompensate. That usually occurs when they are left to their own devices. Currently he lives with MIL so there will be quality food, warmth and security. All inhibiting factors giving structure to life.