Looking back I think its is fair to say that because of my upbringing and environment I never really had a strong belief in own my self worth or had a true idea on what I really wanted in life. As such I started to look (subconsciously) at other people whether it be on TV, Aunties or Uncles, or Friends to make an imaginary idea of what would constitute a good or successful life.
I think a lot of people do this personally. Reading your posts, you do type things such as "other people were jealous of us" - which lead me to believe that you might have fell into the same trap. i.e. In your mind, your relationship was something other people were envious of - so in your mind its like - "how can this go wrong when it was so good" - or words/thoughts to that effect.
The issue is that sometimes we fall into these roles, even though they may be there to serve as a functional part of a relationship i.e. you do the washing, and I will do the ironing - the actual unspoken aspects of what make a true relationship work i.e independence, freedom of choice etc.. Are forgotten about. This is all well and good when we are BOTH fully integrated into our routine. However when sh*t hits the fan, and one partner has an 'awakening' - they start to look at life for what it really is - A one off opportunity to experience life and they become fully "present". (Eckhart Tolle can teach you about this). With this presence all of their senses are turned on and they look at their life around them in a completely new way and think "what the f**k am I doing with my life"??.. This isnt what I want.
It isnt what they want because they are now in touch with what life 'could' offer them. i.e. opportunity, a new start, new hobbies, friends, a new career etc.. And all that is exciting and fresh and new. You are not the husband anymore - you are the person stopping them for wanting to achieve these things. Of course, in reality this MAY not be the case, but for them its pretty simple - you ARE the issue and you are the person that is stopping them (and has stopped them in the past) from living a life they didn’t know they wanted before now.
This goes some way to explaining why pleading and showing them photos of happy times never actually works - because they have already labelled that time as "wasted time" - so no amount of reminding them of time they wasted is going to make them come back. If anything, it makes them realise how much you are STILL stuck in the past and they are making the correct decision to walk away.
The bad news is that there is actually no way to fix this, as you can not cage or control another human beings thoughts or feelings. This is a very cold and harsh reality - but something that you have to go through, feel through and cry through before you can truly look at the situation for what it is.
It would take far too long to describe everything that happened in my situation, but one thing she did say upon returning 9 months later that really stuck with me and should give you some idea of what they need to feel in order to reconsider the situation.
She said "I began to wonder to myself, was I willing to experience life without this new you"
The key in that sentence for me is "experience life".
Underneath the label of wife (i.e. looking after kids, doing the shopping, cleaning etc) is a girl who at one point had the world at her finger tips. Society moulds us, but in her heart she still is that girl. She will always want to be that girl. She wants someone to be by her side as she experiences life - to advise her but not control, to protect but not smother her, to excite her but not to disrespect.
Relationships should be about 2 individuals who are there to support each other as we experience life and try to achieve our own goals. Not to argue over who does the dishes.
I to used to berate my mrs about being a little laid back when it came to cleaning. But I went about it all the wrong way. Bizarrely enough we had a chat about this on Monday and since she came back I have a new way of dealing with things that respects her as an individual but also keeps what I believe to be important intact. I said "Could you do me favour please, in the grand scheme of things, I am not bothered what the house looks like, as in the grand scheme of things it really isnt important and it is defiantly nothing I want to fall out with you about, however it would make me feel a little better if when I came home from work you had moved the bin bag that has needed to be taken outside for 2 days now. Its only a small thing I know, but it makes me feel like I am doing things on my own sometimes, and I would appreciate your help every so often on keeping the house tidy".
That is in stark contrast to - For f**ks sake.. Is the bin bag still there?? What have you been doing all day why I have been at work?? Do I have to do everything myself??
Same message - but one is speaking to my lazy wife who I am fed up with, the other is expressing my thoughts to my partner who I respect.
I think if your honest with yourself you would probably not treat a new girlfriend the way you treat or speak to your wife. You would probably be more upbeat, be more loving, more spontaneous, more thoughtful. Because you are not on autopilot with someone new, you are present, dealing with each new situation the best you know how. With your wife its same old same old and its this behaviour that has pushed her away.
As it stands you need to be honest with yourself. Life is NOT what society has told us. We are a bunch of monkeys trapped on a rock flying through space (lol), there are no rules, no guarantees, and all of us are doing are best to survive. You need to understand how you fell into the society trap, how you took her for granted, and how you spent time doing things that society told you was important, but deep down you knew/know what REALLY is important.
Your probably going to go through hell, but it is necessary. You need to let her go and start from basics. Write on a pace of paper, your name, age, dreams and goals. Genuine answers only! Then you need to accept that a lot of what you do, or say or feel is to get a reaction from your Wife - this needs to stop. Everything is about you now. Not a husband or a father. The boy underneath. The more you become in contact with that person, the closer you will come to ending this cycle of chasing what you think you need/makes you happy - and the closer you will come to being the person you actually truly are.
This is the person that a partner will be attracted to. Actions are 100000000X more powerful than words or promises. And when you are not afraid to live as your genuine self, people like float into your life without you trying because it will be genuine.
It’s a scary jump to take - once you jump off that cliff and realise you can fly - its as liberating a feeling as you will ever feel. You just have to have faith (not religious) just faith that the universe will work itself out and you will come out of this and be happy.
Have a read of Melody Beattie - Codependant no more And No more Mr Nice Guy - Robert Glover
