i agree with Vanilla... i don't think it's okay for D to always say she doesn't want to talk with Mom, and that be the end of it... do i think she needs to talk twice a day every day? no... but to always let D call the shots is not right, imo... even if D is not up for a scheduled call--she makes the call, or takes the call... and then ExW can witness for herself how D really feels about the call... although i doubt she will see it that way... what she will do is force D to speak a certain way... i get why you are not making D call... but sometimes we have to do things we don't want to, as adults and as children... even if we didn't ask for the circumstances...
A 7 year old wetting herself during the day should be the equivalent of a fire alarm going off. She feels she has no control over anything but this. That in and of itself should really be setting off alarm bells for both parents.
You are in a very difficult situation as you are really dealing with two children here - a seven year old child and a 32 year old child. This is above your ability to deal with. I think the best thing you can do is get professional help. You need to get it for D and then help for you to handle this situation. You want to do the right thing that is clear. You just don't know what that is to the point you are letting a seven year old set the rules. Your ex has major issues of her own and clearly needs help but you have zero control over her. This, sadly, is what happens when we hook ourselves up with crazy people. You can't change that but now will pay the price for years. It's gong to be a struggle and none of us are prepared to deal with situations like this.
If you truly want to do the best for D, get her to a great C and get yourself a professional to show you what to do - and then do it. This situation needs a hero and you TN are the only possible candidate. You can do it but must get help.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Working on IC for D. I'm supposed to have a callback today or tomorrow. I've been seeing a C for nine months now. She helps and has given me good insight but the biggest issue for me is that there is no stability. I feel like I'm moving from crisis to crisis all the time, rather than just able to stay a damn course. I just want PEACE in my life. I want peace in my little girl's life. I don't want either one of us to have to deal with this constant anxiety.
I talked to L about the phone call issue, and she said as long as I'm encouraging D to call, then I'm doing the right thing. What the hell else can I do here? The hate from XW has me at my breaking point. I'm scared shitless about how D is acting right now. The last time I talked to XW about the kind of stress that D must be under (which is months ago) she told me "she seems fine when she's with me, I don't know what you're talking about." How the hell is there ANYTHING to work with there? I still have to have the "adopted" conversation with D (which is planned for next week, with my C as support). How does THAT go in the middle of all of this?
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A 7 year old wetting herself during the day should be the equivalent of a fire alarm going off. She feels she has no control over anything but this.
The first time it happened is what prompted me to seriously start looking into IC for D. This is twice now, and yes it's a huge warning sign for me.
...and, as I'm writing this, D's teacher called. She got my note on D's midterm report and she wanted to talk about things rather than writing a note. We talked about where D's problem areas are, and she's going to send home the weekly packets she uses in tier 2 math whenever she starts them on a new one. She says D's focus has gone way down since Christmas, and she regressed a bit from before the break. She says D seems anxious a lot. She also said I was doing a great job, and to keep doing what I was doing. I can't say how much I needed to hear that today. Today has been one of those days where I'm full of doubt and feel like everything I do is the wrong thing. Having someone who spends even more time with D than I do tell me that helped.
I'm going to talk to my C on Friday, and if I get D into IC this week, I will talk to that C as well, and figure out how to get her on some kind of schedule to talk to her mom that both of them can live with.
East, first of all don't be so hard on yourself. I'm serious when I say this is not just you struggling - most of us would be struggling in this situation. Much of what is going on with D is because of W and what is going on. Is you C experienced in situations like this? She might not be. You may want to speak with your L about this. She may have someone to recommend. You need to get help on how to deal with a crazy person like your Ex. She's got so many issues on her own that until she gets fixed she will never begin to see any of these things clearly. You can't fix her so all you can do is find out how to make the best of all of this.
I have a friend with a crazy ex like this. She has so much damage in her youth, including molestation, that she may never be "normal." He had to find out how to deal with her. What to do, what not to do.
From everything I can tell, if you knew what to do, you would do it! You just are not sure. And no one can blame you. So you're willing to try anything. What you need is a proven plan that is more likely than not to work. I really think that has to come from a professional that has dealt with dysfunctional divorces like this. Your ex knows deep down she is F'd up. But will fight that at any cost by blaming you, ignoring the obvious, etc. It's never going to be her - because it's all about her. She feels like she's a crappy parent and that D doesn't want her in her life - which is why it kills her if D doesn't do and say whatever she needs to hear. How pathetic is that? Your ex depends on manipulating a 7 year old for her own happiness.
It's also possible that getting a kick arse C for D might give you some of these ideas as well or get both of you together to deal with this.
Finally, you may want to put the adoption thing on the back burner for a bit.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
V, D's been to her Pediatrician about the bedwetting. She doesn't believe there is anything physically wrong, and that the issue is mostly emotional and/or that D is just a heavy sleeper (to be fair, D sleeps like a freaking rock. She's slept through an ahole neighbor firing a .50cal rifle 100 yards from the house, and both of us once slept through a tornado that passed within 1/2 a mile of us).
Don... thanks for the advice, and the grounding. I talked to my C about some specific help or a referral. We're talking more about it this coming Friday. Right now, her basic advice is "DON'T ENGAGE AT ALL WITH XW except for required logistics." I've been trying that but I've tended to allow XW to suck me in when she pushes the right button. C says ignore the buttons.
I cancelled the "let's talk to D about adoption" day for now until things are more settled. I have to make sure that I don't just let that go, and that this really is on hold "for now." When I get D into counseling, I'm hoping the C will have some advice on that.
School was closed on Thursday and Friday. As soon as I got the call from the county, I took the time off of work. XW wanted D again. I told her I had both days off already. She asked how I could have done that already, and I said school called, and after school had told me that they were talking about it and that it MIGHT happen. XW spewed at me, saying I did something wrong. ("Wow EastTN... anything see! You've known all week, got a call, and didn't tell me or even ask me, and you are low!") I'm getting f---ing TIRED of her trying to run my life and acting like I'm bad!
Thursday, XW texted: Can I take D to Disney on Ice (she meant Disney Live) at 2 on your Saturday next week. Mom wants to go with us and take Niece too. And Friend was looking to take HerD as well
I didnt respond immediately. Got another text later: Of course no answer, and no call from D again.
Me: We had tentative plans for next Saturday. I should know for sure by Monday evening if we do or not. Are you wanting to swap weekends?
XW: No just take her and then drop her off. What are tentative?
Me: I'm not comfortable with that. I'd swap weekends if it turns out we don't have plans for that day, though.
XW: No, I didn't ask what your plans are I asked what that meant and why you can't jsut say plans instead of acting all high and mighty.
XW: And it's ok, EastTN I know you're going to take her now since I asked! I will when I can. Be I know that's just how you are.
Friday, XW showed up to get D and didn't have a car seat. I gave her mine, she said thank you. I got it back on Sunday.
Sunday, D came home with pictures of her, XW, and OM. WTF am I supposed to do about that?
RE bedwetting. No one wets the bed in their sleep. Children are awake when they pee. This is a fact.
Wuith regards to OM, I think there is really little you can do unless he is a convicted felon. I know it [censored] big time, perhaps you could talk to your lawyer if there is anything you can do about it.
Why do you engage your W? Frankly I see how she could be pissed off. Why couldn't you just say sorry W, we have planes and cut it of right there and then? Why say tentative? I believe you that the plans were tentative, but with the EXs, ther perceive any and all indecisions to be vindicitve and petty attempts to piss them off. So it is best to cut out all ambiguity. Think white and black. Eliminate grays.
Vapo, it's not OM I object to (well... maybe a little). Honestly, at this point, if he "goes away" then D will lose something, and I hate that for her. No, what I object to is having him thrown in my face. Who the hell sends pictures home with their kid of their "other family?" D has two pictures of her, her mom, and I in her room, and I'm ok with those even if I don't like seeing them. Having pictures of him around my house really [censored], though. I guess XW wants me to either tell D she can't have it and cause problems that way, or just enjoy me having to see that? Either way, another no win situation.
V, I've had an online calendar going for almost a year now. XW objects to it (says it's not what the judge said, but it IS the interim parenting plan). She's never once added anything to it or changed anything in it as far as I know.
As far as engaging... I was serious in what I said. We had plans, but they had a good chance of falling through (Girl Scouts were going to do a movie night, and they were aiming for a weekend that I had D. It was 50/50 on whether or not we'd go). If XW wants to take D to some event, and I don't already have plans, I'd cheerfully swap weekends. V, "just saying yes" could have made me cancel plans, and that's BS too! So it's another no-win situation.
This f---ing [censored].
Kept my word. Texted XW last night: Our plans for Saturday are cancelled. I am willing to swap weekends so you can take her to the disney thing
XW: The only tickets left are in the very tip top very back. I will not do that to her. It isn't on ice so they are in the very front like a concert. I could have got some the other day in the middle up front but that's in the past now.
