First of all I agree with Holding that you are showing all the signs of a WAW. And legitimately so, I think you're in a pretty lousy marriage to be honest. Now granted we're only hearing your half of the story and his may be a different perspective, but there's enough bad stuff going on that clearly something needs to change. I also agree with Holding that you should tell your H (not this minute, see below). Many of us can identify with your description of your H, a lot of us had similar issues. And many of us implemented some pretty drastic changes in ourselves after BD and became completely different people. The one thing a lot of us regret is that our W's didn't give us a wake-up call sooner, before it was "too late". So I would encourage you to tell your H you are done and ready to walk out the door unless he makes some very real, very drastic changes. Do not sugarcoat it at all, you've got to be clear and concise and he must know you're serious.
Originally Posted By: BB1
He typically thinks of himself over others, and I know this, and I don't think it makes him terrible or evil or anything like that.
Don't justify his bad behavior. If he's that selfish then yes, that DOES make him terrible and that is something no one should have to live with in a partner. The whole thing about him lying and manipulating you to get a trailer to go get that arcade machine, that is EXTREMELY selfish behavior. It is HORRIBLE behavior. I think you need to see this for what it is and quit trying to convince yourself it's not -that- bad. It is.
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Here's the thing though. I recognize I am broken in some serious ways. I want to fix myself. I have made several steps forward over the last couple of years in coming out of some fog I was in, but I still don't feel like I really know my own self or my own feelings.
I second some of the other suggestions that you seek out IC. You're really dealing with two different issues- your own issues and your crappy marriage. IC will help with both. I suspect that the more personal issues you resolve then the more resolute you will become that the M is over. Don't get me wrong I am completely pro marriage but your H is the one that should be here on these forums and working on his issues. As long as he's not then your M is destined to fail.
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I don't know if it's normal to feel so much resentment like I do.
It is very normal. Any WAS can identify with your feelings I think.
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I don't know how to handle that resentment and not just want to walk away or lose it and yell at H.
You've got to open up to someone. If your H won't listen then a friend or a counselor, or both. And feel free to let it fly here too, although having someone to talk to face-to-face is best.
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I recognize staying at my mom's house for reason 1 is probably manipulative. I don't know. It's a form of silent treatment or punishment, which has to be manipulative. He gives me the silent treatment all the time and I know for darn sure I take it as a punishment.
You are correct, it's a very passive/aggressive form of punishment. It's also quite ineffective and does more harm to relationships than good. The two of you DO NOT COMMUNICATE. That is your biggest issue. DR gets into dispute resolution a little, but I think Michele's book "Getting Through to the Man You Love:The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide for Women" would be a better read for you considering where you are.
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Why is the silent treatment so painful for me? I would like to know that. He doesn't seem bothered by the silent treatment at all. He may rather like it, lol.
Probably because it plays on your insecurities about the M. You feel insecure as it is, so the silent treatment is the ultimate way to hurt someone like you because you feel like you're in limbo. He in turn is probably controlling and manipulative, so he DOES enjoy giving you the silent treatment because it makes him feel powerful. What he doesn't realize is he's killing the M step by step, and by the time he finds out it may be too late.
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- how do I approach this conversation without being bristly and cold? what do I actually say? how do I keep it very, very short? - do I need to validate him somehow since he obviously felt the need to hide all of these activities? validate his feelings of fear?
For now just tell him the two of you need to have a very serious conversation, but you are collecting your thoughts first. Tell him you would like to set aside a couple of hours in a week or so to discuss the marriage. DO NOT get drawn into an immediate convo, just keep telling him you need time first and the discussion can happen in a week. Then get the above book and read it!
