WW, A ended, but struggling to reconnect (My 11th)

[hoosjim]

Sandi2:

Now before someone starts shouting, “Don’t pursue”, I want to explain something. Once you are in piecing, you have to carefully change your position or mindset from being the LBS. I don’t mean change your values or stop your improvements and fall back into your old habits. I just mean that you should show your spouse that you are trying to meet them part way in restoring the MR. One of these steps is non-sexual touches, to showing signs of affections, to engaging in sexual touches. If your W is being genuine about commitment and wanting the MR to work……then she needs just as much encouragement as you. And, she especially needs it from you.

Ginger:

It seems as if you let her do most of the chasing and were the submissive one and then everything kind of ceased. I, personally, have been on my own since young. Paid my bills, worked, and then after divorce did everything on my own. I make all the decisions. I handled the bills, phone calls, ect. in the marriage. I don't "need" a man. But I very much appreciate a man who knows I can handles things, but still is the "man" in the relationship. Pursues me, is decisive, initiates. Makes plans. Fixes things. Carries heavy stuff. There has to be some passion.

I am going to have a longer reply to what Sandi2 posted, probably when I update after MC tonight, but I wanted to explore this particular issue, which both Sandi and Ginger have brought up-- let's call it "Dominant/Submissive" or, perhaps, "Manly Pursuit."

What got me thinking of this, again, and in the context of y'all's posts, is the very timely debut of the latest "50 Shades" movie. Had an interesting exchange with W a couple of nights ago, when we were sitting on the couch after dinner watching TV. One of those movies, I believe the first one, was on, and we noticed it while flipping through the channels. "Oh, there's 50 shades" says W. "Should I switch to that so you can start getting ready for your girls movie night this Friday?" (She and three girlfriends are going to see the debut of the latest "50 Shades" movie this Friday.) "Yes, turn it on.." She says, then "Oh, it's already a good bit into it... is this the first one?" "Yes, that's what the capsule said" I reply. She says "Oh, you really need to watch this one from the beginning." I ask her if she's excited to be going to see it with her GFs and then ask her "Okay, so, for you, what do you think the big draw is of this movie for women?" To which she replies-- "You should really watch the movies... this first one in particular, but you need to watch it from the beginning because it explains everything". So I respond "well tell me, im interested in your take on it" "Shhhh shhh..." she says, "watch this part, it sort of explains a bit about it". The part she is referring to is where the Man in the movie, who wants to be the "Dominant" to the girls "Submissive", is talking about his own first experience with that dynamic, and to giving up control, and how it actually makes you feel "safe" and "loved" and in that was is very freeing to give up that control. Or something like that, I probably butchered it but I think that's pretty close. At any rate, W finishes by saying "You really should watch the first movie from the beginning." I tell her we could rent it now but she's like "no, it's too late tonight..." (which it was)"... but you should watch it sometime."

So, my question here is (though the answer seems obvious): IS the draw of these movies to women that they all secretly (or not so secretly) want to, at least at times, be "submissive" to a "dominant" man sexually/romantically? Sandi sort of implies this, and it is the gist of what Ginger is saying as well. But, if so, doesn't this sort of fly in the face of the whole "non-pursuit" angle? (To which, I assume, the answer as Sandi seems to be saying is that if you are to the point of reconciling/piecing, and have been in a SSM, that the dominant/pursuing male model is actually what you want to be emulating(?))

Some more interesting color on this are some things that W has said to me in the past, both distant past and then more recently since BD. One, which she was said both then and now, is that sometimes she "likes it rough", and she would want to be just "thrown down and taken" and, second, which she told me not long after BD, that she was surprised in some ways to be with me as I was "one of the smaller (stature-wise people, STATURE-wise) guys that she had been involved with" in her life, which kind of surprised her because part of her had always been drawn to the idea of being physically overwhelmed by a man. (For color, I am 5-10, she is 5-4. At 175, I am somewhat slightly, though athletically built, though as part of my fitness routine since BD I have added about 15 pounds of muscle that I did not have before... which she has noticed and commented on.)

So, all this seems to be pointing to the idea that, yes, in a vacuum, this "dominant male" stance is one that my wife (and perhaps even all women) find attractive and want to see in a man. The only real question for me, then, is is the timing right for me to be more aggressive in pushing that on her? My inclination would be "yes, what have I got to lose", but would love to hear what folks have to say about all of the above.

I have taken that role with her before, mostly in our dating past, and occasionally after marriage so it is not alien to me, though a good bit of that attitude I lost in all of the post-marriage misfortune (illness, financial hardship). My confidence in recent months has returned to very high levels-- which she has also remarked on-- but I have held back a good bit on the more aggressive "dominant male" aspects romantically/sexually due to the particular MR dynamics at play between us. Have been venturing further afield there after LW's advice from Ginger and Sandi and after having done some research/reading... really focusing on eye contact, non-sexual touch but edging a little closer to that-- hand on waist, etc., being "in her space" when near her, etc... but no huge discernible difference yet, though she has not rebelled/rebuked or shrunk away from me either. She did cozy up to me on her own last night in bed.