Rebuilding my life (ILYBNILWY? IDGAF 2)

[EastTN]

Frustrated. D hasn’t wanted to call her mom for most of the last week. I’ve not been making her. I DID get her to call this morning and talk a bit but she didn’t want to talk tonight. So here’s our text exchange:

XW: Why did D not call me today?

Me: She didn’t want to call. I’m encouraging her to call and telling her she can whenever she wants to.

XW: You know EastTN. You need to be a parent! When she is here she could care less about calling you! I ask she says no but I tell her yes! I call and she gets the phone! Do your job as a parent! Bc it is really funny she just all of a sudden doesn’t want to talk to me! Bc the real truth is she told me when I asked her a simple question as to why she didn’t want to talk to me on the phone. That answer from her was you! Bc you didn’t want her to. Now this will stop one way or another! I’m not going to go with out talking to her! You won’t even let me take her to Girl scouts or tell me anything about her schooling until it’s too late. You simply are trying your best to erase me from her life! I know for a fact if it wasn’t in the stupid paper work you made out to be a “good parenting plan” and tricked me to sign, you simply would not let me see her at all!

I TEALLY REALLY want to take the bait on this. But I’m not responding

[Vanilla]

Response: D called you this morning at X am.

V

[Coconut]

Uggghhh... East, your in a no win situation. I agree with V, D called you this morning is a good response. I keep thinking it may just be easier to pay for D to have a phone that she can choose to answer or not, but dangit, she's 7 and can't be expecred to hold onto a phone..

I think your best bet may be to try and strive for parallel parenting, where contact is only expected during respective custody times, and keep lines of communication open when D wants to reach out (but that will be never)..

[EastTN]

D still doesn't want to talk to her mom on the phone. I ask why and she gets upset and says that she just doesn't want to. XW called this morning to talk to D. My phone was on silent, and I saw it as we were getting in the car. I was upbeat, "hey, mommy just called do you want to call her back?" D said "daddy, no!" We're driving to school, and the phone rings again, this time on the car, so the ring tone comes through the speakers, and D says, "daddy, I said no!"

Texts:

XW: You can't pick up the phone??!!

XW: I want to talk to D

XW: Why can't you just answer the phone?

Didn't respond.

[Ginger1]

You can tell her due to the pressure, she doesn't need to b forced to call you either. That isn't what makes her a good parent. Respecting her daughters wishes will make her a good parent. Being a parent is not forcing your 7 year old child to take part in scheduled phone calls. That call has nothing to do with the welfare of the child, it has to do with the parents wants.

East, I know you are stuck in a really crappy spot. But please hear me.

It would be advisable to get your little girl into IC ASAP. This is not good for her. Then you will have documentation of what your ex is doing also. Then you need to get that lawyer. You need to get a more reasonable parenting schedule in place, because what you have is NOT working. The freedom to see her if she chooses during the week can only be done where there is no hostile relationship between the parents. Once you set this schedule, you communicate via a shared calendar and emergencies via phone call and texts. You both have access to the school to know what is going on with your child. YOu end these scheduled phone calls on both sides and remain open for when she chooses to call the other parent. You turn off your phone when she begins text ranting and calling non-stop.

This will NOT make you look bad in the eyes of the court at all if you properly document and get help for your girl. The truth will come out in IC. She will have a neutral professional party where she doesn't have to worry about what the other is saying.

Please, please, please, be proactive. You are the stable parent, but it's not going to be enough at this age and with what's going on, and that is no fault of your own.

[EastTN]

Ginger, I'm working on the IC. D is showing some bad signs that things are wrong. Not wanting to talk to her mom, and not wanting to talk about why frankly scare me. D says some things that break my heart, too. She peed on herself tonight again. Sitting at the kitchen table. She said she just couldn't get to the bathroom in time, but she didn't try. We'd just finished homework and I'd gone 30 seconds before to draw her bath. I got her midterm report home today and a couple of "needs improvements" (math and fluency), and this is right after we got her back up to par. She's getting extra help in math at school (our school has amazing resources, and they're putting them into her) but I still am not getting the extra assignments home I asked for. We do 30-75 minutes of homework a night, which I think is a lot for a first grader, and her teacher keeps telling me I'm doing a good job. The problem is focus/attention, and I'm "sure" (in the sense that I have little evidence, just from watching her) that this is related to everything going on, too.

XW texted me asking for D to call after school. D didn't want to, again, but was HAPPY to call her grandmother (XW's mom).

I texted XW while dinner was in the oven (we made homemade pizza!): "I tried. She still does not want to. She insists that nothing is wrong she just doesn't want to. She DID want to call your mom and she did. If she doesn't want to talk to me when she's with you please do not force her. If she does want to talk she can call me anytime" I sent XW all of the stuff I got from school today. XW suggested we get her a tutor.

XW texted while D was in the bath asking again for her to call. I assured her I would ask at bedtime. D said no again. Followup from XW: "EastTN this is not ok. I should not have to go a week without talking to D all bc you can't parent! This is not acceptable" XW called during story time. D was adamant that I had to send the call to voicemail.

[Holding]

Followup from XW: "EastTN this is not ok. I should not have to go a week without talking to D all bc you can't parent! This is not acceptable"

East, I'm sorry you heave to suffer this treatment from her. Looking at your sitch is helping me get some clarity in mine. "Unacceptable" and "not acceptable" are 2 of my XW's favorite sayings.

What I'm getting at is, "not acceptable" is starting to look a lot like "I'm infuriated that I'm not getting my way".

Hang in there, dude. You're doing right by your D. XW is probably jealous that you're a better parent than her.

[EastTN]

H, how the hell are you dealing with yours? Because the "kid" button is a hell of a button for her to push. I'm trying to let it roll off my back, but it's hard as hell. I have a philosophy that I'm free to make mistakes and mess up my life, but NOT D's, and everything that comes out of this woman's mouth makes me second guess myself.

XW sent an imessage voice message. "Please tell D I love her" I responded. I don't know if it's foolishly or not, but this current situation is screwing with me in all kinds of ways.

Me: I'll play that for her this evening and see if she'll call. I tried again this morning and she still didn't want to. I tried to get her excited and said she could tell you about her rain boots that she's wearing for the first time and she still didn't want to. She still won't tell me why.

XW: She told me why. You can stop acting innocent.

Me: Haven't lied to you. Not starting now.

XW: You know, that's where you are lying. You just don't want to remember bc you know how dirty it was. And now this. 2 weeks of barely talking to her and only having her on the weekend yeah you are trying to push me out of her life. I'm her mom and always will be.

Me: You're absolutely her mom and always will be. Nothing in the world will change that and I wouldn't change it if I could.

XW: Sure EastTN. That's why you are telling her you don't want her to talk to me. She told me EastTN. She told every one here. It's just a super coincidence the timing is all! After the way you did her that Friday and then all of a sudden she is acting towards me how she was so mad and upset with you that weekend and didn't want to talk to you at all. I'm not stupid EastTN. You're just trying to get back at me for whatever and use her to do it. It's ok, she knows I love her. I just hope she knows that forever and you don't go brainwashing her too

Me: I try every day to get her to talk to you. Every day. Do you know how MAD she gets at me becasue I keep encouraging her to call? I don't know what's wrong I don't know why she doesn't want to call. I have NEVER told her I don't want her to call you. If she asks I give her my phone. Period. I don't get in the middle of your conversations. I do EVERYTHING I can do to support her relationship with you. I even encourage her relationship with OM (and yeah that hurts just about as much you you'd expect it to but it's not about me it's about HER and she deserves to have good relationships with the people in her life no matter what I think of them). Not once have I ever spoken bad about you to her. Not once have I ever spoken bad about him to her. Not once. I am not going to hurt our little girl. Ever. And what you're suggesting is the worst kind of hurt you can inflict on a child.

XW: That's what she HAS said EastTN! And honestly I have no reason to NOT believe her. Why would she say that. How would she know to say something like that. Either way, you are not co parenting and you are not being a parent. She is 7! She needs structure and discipline! Not a friend!

Me: Structure is exactly what she has. We get up at the same time every day, get ready the same way every day, we're at school within five minutes of the same time every day. She gets picked up within five minutes of the same time every day. We do homework for 30-75 minutes every night. We read together every night. We sing together every night. She gets her bath around the same time every night except Scout nights when we don't have enough time. Bed time is the same every night. I try to get her to call EVERY day and EVERY night. I'm NOT going to force her though. I did that. She resents it. I'm not doing that to her. I hurts her and like I said I'm not going to hurt our baby. I've told you for a year. You and I isn't you and her. Wasn't ever and won't ever be. She LOVES you! She loves him, too. And I'm happy she has that love because if she didn't then something would be terribly wrong. If you think I'd take that away for her then I don't know what to tell you. I've arranged by ENTIRE LIFE around her so I don't EVER let her down. I won't let her down like that, either.

[Holding]

H, how the hell are you dealing with yours? Because the "kid" button is a hell of a button for her to push. I'm trying to let it roll off my back, but it's hard as hell.

East, I'm not sure how I manage to deal with this. I guess I talk to a lot of people to vent and get their opinions. But I have moments where the emotions hit me hard and I feel helpless. Yesterday I was on the bedroom floor asking God what more he can take from me.

I have a philosophy that I'm free to make mistakes and mess up my life, but NOT D's, and everything that comes out of this woman's mouth makes me second guess myself.

It's admirable you want to do everything perfectly for your D, but it's not realistic. You will make mistakes when it comes to D, you're human. The trick is not to let XW's criticisms (and she will criticize) not get to you. I can't give much advice there as I'm still struggling with that myself. My only hope is that with repeated exposure I'll become desensitized.

With the text exchange y'all had, I don't think the content of it really matters. Nothing you say will please her. It's all about bringing you down into her level of emotion. If you look at the increasing size of the paragraphs as the text conversation went on, she did get you to go deeper and deeper to her level.

Maybe just start being more aware of how she is getting to you, and try to not let yourself go there. That's a start in the right direction.

[Vanilla]

You are the parent not D.

At the moment you are letting D set the agenda play mom and dad against each other.

STOP!

Please reread and reread Gingers post. It is amazing advice from a mom with an awful ex who has walked the tightrope.

Don't tell Ex W that her D doesn't want to talk to her, this is making things much much worse.

You have no schedule nor structure for D. And I agree without it that ex W has a point, this isn't good parenting. Agree with D and ex a schedule. Monitor it.

At the moment D never knows when she is going to be pounced on. Like a deer waiting for a lion to strike. If D knows that she should chat to mom at say 5 pm every Monday, Wed and Fri then you and she can prepare for it. Have things D can say, agree it's for 10 mins and no more if that's all D wants. Then it's manageable. At the moment D doesn't have a clue when it is coming. Between you and W there is now a dynamic involving D which is unpleasant. As the stable one of the parents this is going to be you that resolves it.

In my view D should be talking to her mom. This is not unreasonable until the courts say no and issue an order.

Take your D out of the middle of this, your on going battles with her mom are not for D to know. Use a calendar and online wizard.

Take charge of it and get it sorted. Otherwise you will end up with court mandated things you might not like.

V