I stayed at my mom's for 2 reasons: 1, because I want H to know I'm not happy he lied to me about this arcade, spent all this money and now has stuck it in the garage with all the rest of his clutter. 2, because I don't know how to talk to him and just tell him how I feel, and even if I tell him how I feel, I know it won't do any good.
Youre right in that this isnt a very good response. I feel like effective boundaries need to be communicated ahead of time. And the boundary needs to be related to resulting action. He isnt going to be able to connect why you stayed at your mom's with the action. What exactly happened that would cause you to leave? lying? no communication? spending money? coming home late? With a giant combo like that, theres no way to connect what you are upset about with the result. And why would YOU leave? What about those things means "Im going to spend a night at my moms house"? That doesnt necessarily feel like the extension of one of those things. Id advise to read Wonka's thread on boundaries...I think it's very helpful.
Originally Posted By: BB1
So I am going home tonight and I have to do something. I have to talk to him somehow about how I feel about him lying to me. I have a ton of other stuff I want to talk about (like the garage) but I probably should steer clear of that right now.
It may be too late for advice, but I would have a list and keep yourself focused. Dont start talking about him lying to you and then stick in comments about dirty dishes and whatnot. Focus on one issue at a time. And dont act like he's doing you a favor. YOU have value and your needs are VALID. Say what you want.
Originally Posted By: BB1
- do I need to validate him somehow since he obviously felt the need to hide all of these activities? validate his feelings of fear?
Id say it's ok to validate his feelings....but not his actions. Remember that isnt AGREEING, but rather making it clear that you are hearing him. You arent to dispute his feelings or rationalize them. You are just to hear them. Then you can work to find solutions if he has concerns also.
Originally Posted By: BB1
Am I looking at this all wrong? Do I have good reason to be upset or am I just ball-busting and trying to control? Would like all advice I can get.
OF COURSE you have reason to be upset. It sounds like there are a LOT of reasons to be upset. But spring them all loose isnt going to solve anything. You need to stay on message, stay focused, explain what you want and listen.
You also need to have this conversation at a time when he is receptive to having it. If you spring this right after work, or as he is walking out the door or whatever, it wont go well. If you need to schedule something for a couple days later, do that.
