Currently DBing. My wife and have been married for 20 yrs and we have 3 beautifully girls, 18,17, and 12. My wife has filed for divorce we are currently living separately. We have been in and out of counseling 5 times over the last 19 years, sometimes for a couple of weeks and other times as long as 9 months. Each and every time we go to counseling, we work on my issues and when we get to her, the counseling stops because it’s either to expensive or she doesn’t want to go, or some other reason.
Our relationship started as a 3 year friendship. We used to laugh together and go camping, eat and go to the movies while we were dating and engaged. One of the main reasons I married Wife because of our friendship. After dating for 3months, we were engaged for 6 months and then married.
Over the last year and half, our marriage has been nonexistent. I’ve initiated trying to get us to go to counseling. We went once and it ended in cursing and threats of divorce from her. We could never go to counseling unless her conditions were met. ie-confess everything you’ve done, and then we can go. We have been living a negative script for several years. I think the wife of my youth is gone. Reading the article on marriage maps helped. Why didn’t any of our counsleors ever explain this to us over 20 years instead of shoving short term solutions to us? (Sorry couldn’t help it)
I snapped after my father in law died in 2016. He essentially told me right before he died that we would never be happy and we would end up like him an his wife divorced and remarried into a loveless marriage. It was like he was placing a curse on me and my family. Also my wife came to me shortly after his death and said that she was going to do whatever she wants with her sister and her mother because of her fathers death, meaning she was going to increase exposure of my kids to her childhood abusers (sister/sexual, Mom/emotional) And that’s exactly what she did. She took my kids over to her moms every weekend, without my permission. During this time, I cracked. I had an affair.
In addition, we were in a sex starved marriage, where we could go weeks or months at a time without any intimacy. No pats, hugs, or kisses (we haven’t kissed in 10 years and no sex in 3 years). This didn’t help things. Not trying to excuse at all.
So here I am and here we are. I’ve been working with a DB coach and getting some good feedback. Also am going to individual counselor and a separate pastoral counselor. I am also attending a men’s support group. Also have read over 15 books since the divorce filing since December. This was really a wake up call for me. In some ways I am hopeful, yet in other ways I am wondering if it may be easier to let it go. Because of my spiritual beliefs, I don’t condone divorce. Nor do I want to destroy my family.
We tried to go to a marriage counselor this weekend. Didn’t work out. The counselor was not marriage friendly. I found another that is mor marriage friendly and now W says she doesn’t want to go. Trying to unstick myself because I’m stuck.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Has she served you since she filed? What stage are you in? I am so sorry you are going through this. A lot of marriage therapists are not pro marriage thus making it harder to work with a hesitant spouse.
MJDG, Sorry you here, so are you saving your marriage for beliefs or because you truly LOVE your wife. Some people are not meant to be together some are. Take this time to get to know yourself again besides no sex no affection why did you have an affair.
I can tell you why I had a EA I needed to know if I truly loved my W and when I went to meet I froze I couldn't move forward I wanted to call my W and tell her am coming right back but I stood quite till finally it came out that it was just a EA I couldn't move forward with SEX.
It looks like you in a hard place maybe start off as friends again,dating ect if I had a chance again God knows I would but my stitch a little different W didn't just walk away from me but she did to our kids and said some pretty hurtful things that now my d9 and s8 are in some serious therapy. But as I say to everyone a day at a time that's all we LBS can do.
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
Yes I was served. Initial custody hearing done. She and my beautiful girls have moved out. I am currently paying alimoney and child support. I have my kids on weekends. You’re right on the pro marriage. Found that out on the last one I went to.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
So I read all of Sandi2. Good stuff, especially from a woman's perspective. After reading, I am recognizing that I don't have a clue. I have been essentially a doormat and taking it without a fight.
But here is my question. Suppose you catch your W in a lie, vis-a-vie "believe nothing that you hear and only half of what you see". Here's my question, "when do you confront or should you even confront?"
