Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 8

[Accuray]

I would ignore her objection and put the list together anyway and post it on the family site. She can either object or stay silent. If she stays silent, I would take that as consent.

Acc

[Jim1234]

Holding, my D16 has been home sick a lot recently. Generally feeling unwell, but other than headache, and upset stomach, no definitive symptoms. I'm sure most of it is from stress. We've taken her for sessions with a counselor, and being able to talk to someone seems to have helped, and her symptoms are not as bad as they were. Maybe your son could also use someone to talk to?

[EastTN]

And now she continues to try to control me after she gets what she wants.

Ain't that the damn truth. If you want "fun" wait until you start dating someone.

[Holding]

Acc, I'll start working on the list.

Jim, thanks for the suggestion. S15 has actually been seeing an IC for a while now. He's had anxiety and socializing issues since before he knew about the D. Poor guy has enough on his plate already.

[Holding]

And now she continues to try to control me after she gets what she wants.

Ain't that the damn truth. If you want "fun" wait until you start dating someone.

Oh Jesus! I know what you've been through, East! I think you have me beat for craziest XW, but it's real close.

[JujuB]

I am agreeing a lot with accurays suggestions. Your ex is in battle mode. Shes pushing buttons. Intentionally trying to get some reactions.

Show her strength by not overlooking things, but in a way that protects you legally. Shes trying to bully you and the weaker you appear the more she will do it. She doesnt respect you. Thats the problem. Nice wont work with her. Call her on her sh!t and make her be the one that has to think twice. The more you give the nore she will take so right now i wouldnt compromise on anything. you can do so later once you establish alpha (of course within the legal system to do so)

Thats my opinion.

[Holding]

JujuB, thanks for stopping by. Would you care to guess why she's in battle mode?

As JoeJoe has told me in the past, when someone who used to have control over you, loses that control, they act in crazy and unpredictable ways. Maybe that's the answer.

I'm not trying to fix her by any means, just figure out a way to escape her grasp. Focus recently posted about the "Gray Rock Method" in the D forum, so I might look into that.

[JujuB]

Maybe she was always like that or like that with everyone and your just noticing it now?

She reminds me a lot of a fellow mom I have to deal with. Shes like that with everyone, but to a lesser more socially acceptable extent. This woman actually texts me "call me now" or "why did you not tell me the kids were supposed to bring x to this event. I need you to tell me because im busy"...umm??? Cause youre an adult and we both receive the same emails? This mom was a walkaway and for some crazy reason she has an ex fawning over her and new boyfriends buying her stuff etc.

Like i said, she sounds like a incompetent control freak. I wouldnt worry about the whys, maybe just how to deal with her. How to establish boundaries with soneone trying to walk all over you amd most likely everyone else.

[Holding]

JujuB, she's always been that way, but it was never focused on me the way it is now. I'm working hard on my boundaries, which she is pushing against with everything she's got.

S10 had a birthday and is now S11. I had a slumber party for him and a friend over the weekend. But now S11's starting to give me a lot of lip about things. Then he says later ILY as if that will undo the attitude.

S15 glides along on autopilot and has moments of niceness - he bought me a beginning book on learning piano this weekend since he knows I've been wanting to learn. But then yesterday he refused to attend Sunday School in any capacity and I had to enact some consequences. Then he texted XW about how he was done with Sunday School, and she tried to come down on me by implying I'm making unilateral decisions and his faith is not important to me.

SMH

[Accuray]

But now S11's starting to give me a lot of lip about things.

Undoubtedly they've seen how their mother treats you and now believe that you will tolerate that from them as well. You need to shut that down hard. Despite the fact that they may show outward resistance, kids like discipline because it provides structure and stability. If you're consistent with your rules, they know they can count on you. The minute he gives you lip or attitude, he goes to his room. It doesn't matter if he has friends there, it doesn't matter if he's doing homework, if he gives you lip, he goes to his room immediately. If you're out of the house, you go home and he goes to his room.

But then yesterday he refused to attend Sunday School in any capacity and I had to enact some consequences.

Well one could make the argument that at age 15 he may be old enough to decide for himself about his religion and his faith, but let's assume that attending Sunday School is a non-negotiable for you and your STBX.

If it's a non-negotiable, then how can he refuse to attend? Tell us more about how this dynamic played out. Did he lock himself in his room? Did he go to church, leave you as if he was going to Sunday School and then run out the back door? What did he do to defy what you expected of him? How did you handle it and what consequences did you create?

If it comes down to a battle of wills, what's your plan to prevail?

Then he texted XW about how he was done with Sunday School, and she tried to come down on me by implying I'm making unilateral decisions and his faith is not important to me.

I hope you didn't reply to that at all and just ignored it.

That's a muscle you need to exercise -- you don't need to respond to silly accusations. You don't need to engage with your STBX at all. Start training her that you will only engage when she treats you with respect. Start training her that if she lobs accusations at you she will be repeatedly ignored.

This training must be consistent. You can't engage and defend yourself sometimes -- it must be never. That's the only way the behavior will change.

My XW was snarky too at first. I didn't take the bait -- ever. One day she came over and after dropping off the kids started crying in the driveway and said that I act as if she doesn't exist. I told her that I don't respond to snark -- if she treats me with respect I'll respond in kind. Since then no snark.

Acc