What to Do? 7

[sandi2]

Thanks for responding. I was clapping my hands and cheering you onward.....all the way up till you saw her sitting in front of your complex,.......waiting (b/c she knew you would see her sitting in the car). Then I held I breath and thought, "Oh no, here it comes........the tears".

I jumped in her passenger seat. When I got in she apologized for everything; told me she was sorry for hurting me, for letting me down, for breaking my trust, and for not being the wife she was supposed to be. I tried to calm her, but she was very emotional at this time; so I explained to her, that I had responsibility in the marriage as well and I contributed to our issues before your affair. She told me she has been guilty for a year and a half and was so sorry.

See what happens when you hold back? Huh==huh? She's been trying to find out about your feelings for weeks. So anyway, good on her part. So typical of the LBH, on your part. You just jumped right in there, using too many words, and too eager to make her feel better when she appeared to be making an emotional apology. From this point forward, PLEASE, stop making it too easy for her. I promise it will make or break a successful reconciliation. If she isn't required to work to get you back again.....she won't work at all, and she won't end her A.

From what I see in your post, she asked you what you wanted, more than once. However, did she ever speak up about what she wanted, or what she was willing to do? When the WW is constantly fishing, wanting to know how the LBH feels about this & that, but she won't offer to express her own feelings.....it's usually a tempt test.

I told her I want to be with you; and you need to stop communicating with this OP so we can connect again. She agreed; but she also said, she never wanted to make that promise in the past because she knew how hard it would be to stop talking to that OP, and she did not want to lie to me.

So, what does that ^^^^^ mean? Is she in or out? Seems unclear. Did she say, or did you assume her agreeing to your statement meant that she was wanting to reconcile?

I want so badly to believe she's being genuine.....and that it's not just an emotional temperature test to see if she still holds the you and the relationship in the palm of her hand. But, dang it, Chris......you made it too easy for her! You did wonderful, until she broke down in tears. Then, you were talking too much, instead of allowing her to struggle through with the difficult words that needed to be said. Oh well, I still love ya anyway. (Just think of me like a second mama. ) I'm glad she got it said, and I hope she meant every word.

I told her I understand how addicting an affair can be, and that is why it needs to be dealt with in MC. I said, "I know it's not easy to give an affair up", "I know there are time you will be tempted, but that is not a reason to not try".

IDK if you were trying to validate her feelings, or what. But whatever, you were making it way too easy for her. It's important that you see this, b/c you need to stop doing it. I don't mean to say you should act like a jerk, or punish her. But rather, I'm telling you what SHE has to do, if you are to have a successful R. It appears that she was trying, and hopefully, accomplished that much...in spite of you trying to make it too easy for her.

I've said this before, that so many H's have taken the WW back too easily, without requiring certain things from her.....only to find themselves back on the board again. I'm trying to share with you what the WW needs to do.....not what she wants to do. Although you have wanted this moment so badly, don't ruin it by trying to cushion her work in order to straighten herself out. This emotional breakdown and apology is just one step for her. She hasn't even ended her A yet! Seems to me, she should have ended her A first, and then apologize for how she's treated you, but we'll see. You were wise to mention MC, but at the same time.....don't give her excuses by telling her you know how addictive & difficult it can be to end A's. You really need to be strong in this area. Be insistent about no contact whatsoever with OM, attending all the MC sessions, and cooperating in transparency. You call the shots on this.....not her. If you don't, you'll regret it.

I am always telling you to be extremely careful, and this time is no exception. You have grown a lot recently, but I think she still has the power to sucker you back in for another hit. Keep your guard up. Keep talking to your buddy, to help keep your head on straight.

If you haven't already, you need to think about a transparency plan. If she is not cooperative about being completely transparent with you, then this will be nothing more than a setup for another hurt. Don't fall for phone "privacy" cr@p that WW's give for their excuse to hide their secrets. I think I've talk to you about it previously. If she's authentic, transparency will help her as much as it will help you.

I recommend finding a pro-marriage therapist who specializes in couple healing from an A. I've seen Gottman's techniques praised a lot. Don't wind up with a divorce counselor.

Whatever you do.....DON'T agree to start living under the same roof again. At least, not until you see evidence of progress being made in her, and she is over the OM.

In summary, you did a good job, Chris. Just please....... please go slowly and don't let her talk you into something making any moves right away. This is the time to work on the friendship and maybe start dating again. More mistakes are made when the couple goes back together too quickly. If at any point you see her mood change or acting a little colder....pull back immediately and start GAL like there's no tomorrow. In fact, you need to be very watchful the next few days, since having the apology talk....b/c if she seems a bit cold, start applying the 37 rules again.

Here's a valuable tip. Play a little hard to get, until the relationship is secured again. Let her do the pursuing.

((hugs))