I've been following your sitch. I'm going to say some things here, and I hope you'll listen:
1) You need to start detaching. Hard. GALing is not the same as detaching, btw. I think a lot of people get confused about that. GALing is a process used to detach, but they are not one and the same. Check out the detachment thread (I can't remember where it is, but someone will know. Sorry!)
2) Although your wife is not openly defiant and disrespectful to you, I would definitely classify her as WW.
Your journalling is leading me to believe that she is having either an EA and probably a PA with someone local.
The "cake eating" she is doing is what leads me to that opinion. "Awkward" for your friends? Really? The "mother-in-law" property is another prime example.
Also the amount of times you comment on her being one her phone, or looking at her phone is a very real symptom of someone else being in the picture.
I know you're buying it because the thought of infidelity is the last possible thing that you would expect; that's how I felt, and many others did too before the realization hit them like a ton of bricks.
3) I don't say this because it changes how you go about your process- you still need to continue to GAL- I say it because maybe this helps you to drop that rope and realize that there is someone else in the picture and that realization will help you to detach more quickly.
You cannot work on a M while someone else in in the picture. you can put the M on hold and come back to it when they are ready to work, but she will never be ready until there is no one else on her mind.
Personal Connection: When my W was wayward, she was seeing an OM from far away. During piecing and MC, she shared a lot of what she was thinking when she was in the fog. There were some very clear examples of eating cake, or how she thought she could keep "everything" once we were D'd
A WW's thought process comes up with really messed up ways to take good men and fathers and keep them in their lives so that they can do whatever they want on the side.
One of her thoughts was that I (me, the LBS) would "be just fine" moving to this new town hundreds of miles away from our current location so that we could still share custody of the kids and be "one big, happy, family." I was going to be "friends" with OM, etc. So she gets all the benefits of me in her and the boy's lives, while having OM be her "romantic interest." Talk about feeling worthless.
I gave her tons of space thinking she just needed to "figure things out." turns out she was using that "space" to drive to see OM. I was oblivious until I wasn't.
4) In no uncertain terms, you NEED to make her realize exactly what D looks like (i.e. you are not friends and you will not be there for her). There are real, lasting consequences to breaking up a marriage and that needs to be clearly outlined to her.
Right now, she feels like everyone is going to get along just fine. Make her realize what she's losing.
End.
If I'm way off base here, someone please tell me. I'm just seeing all of the "red flags" I ignored when I was trying to figure out what the heck I did to deserve getting bomb dropped so suddenly. Fast, you seem like a really decent guy who has a lot going for him and it looks to me like there's something else going on here. I could be wrong, but once you see the "script" and understand that the behavior is the same across a very wide spectrum, you have to call it like you see it.
