First Post - Not Sure Where I'm Headed

[Natural]

I received the petition for D from my W yesterday and we talked about it last night. Since then, I've found it hard to focus on my work. The D now seems more real, and I'm not feeling very effective at DB-ing. I actually enjoyed some of the conversation with my W last night, but felt less comfortable with it this morning.

I spent a good share of last weekend figuring out finances and estimating what share of my retirement savings is pre-marital and marital. My W has little retirement savings. It gave me some comfort to have a better idea how financial split might play out. W has been cooperative and says she will pay me back for her share of household expenses accumulated during separation. I don't really believe that, and have told her as much, but I'm keeping track of expenses so I know where we land.

I'm going to request that W and stepson both work full-time so that they can contribute to household bills. W has worked ~ 20 hours a week during our whole marriage, and stepson just lost his job due to meth addiction.

I keep thinking of the five stages of divorce/grief so I can figure out where I am with all of this. I think receiving the petition for D moved me past Denial and brought up more Anger/Bargaining/Depression, which seem to present at various times during most days. Acceptance does not seem present yet. Acting "as if" has been a challenge lately.

But I do have times when I'm okay with either D or reconciliation, especially when I'm clear about how W and I were often not on the same page with respect to money, step-son, and sex. I'm still reading DR, so I'm not very clear about what new approaches in those areas might have led to different results, in the past or the future.

Last week, W stayed at her brother's house to dog sit while he was out of town. I found it easier to be detached when she was not around. That helps me understand why some people say in-house separations do not work well. The proximity of WAW seems to cloud the mind.