No, I don't think so. He's quiet though. Always thinking, more passive aggressive-ish, not upfront about what he thinks or plans. I think he does not want a divorce but probably has thought about it recently, since he did leave and spend the night at his old house once.
Originally Posted By: NicoleR
I guess I'd ask why you jump straight to divorce as the most likely solution?
Good question. I'm asking that myself (again I don't have a ton of insight into why I feel how I feel, which is partly why I am here - I need guidance even into myself). I think I simply find relationships painful. I feel a lot of pressure. And not just romantic relationship but all relationships. I feel the opposite of "free" - I have no desire to be "free" in the sense of just doing whatever I want, because I am the kind of person who would enjoy an evening of quiet reading or just being able to go for a run or something like that...so when I say free I really mean like, headspace free. Maybe free of demands or judgments? I'm not sure. I can only explain it as pressure. Relationships are tiring because I feel like I'm always working. The only relationship I don't feel like that in is the one with my dad. He doesn't make me feel pressured in any way or like I'm ever a problem or in his way. He and I are similar in some ways - we are both doers and believe in our own capability to take care of things so we just do it.
I feel like I can't ever ask anyone for anything. If something needs to be done, I feel the need to do it. The pain of asking someone to do something is usually more than the pain I will feel doing it. I feel enormous guilt if I ask anyone for anything, or if I leave my kids with anyone so I can go do something, again, enormous guilt that makes it not even worth it because I don't enjoy myself. I'm a manager at work and even there, I find it very hard to deal with employees who need more coaching and direction, because I have such a hard time speaking up and telling them they need to do X. I am a fairly tidy and organized person and don't like clutter. My husband is the opposite. So I am constantly cringing in our living environment and then finally snapping at him about not cleaning up his stuff. He knows I don't like his mess but doesn't think it's a big deal, and since I know he already knows how I feel, I can't keep asking him to deal with it and it is driving me crazy.
My first marriage was so bad but at that time I didn't believe in divorce and I just silently suffered (until the very end). Getting divorced and being free was just such a relief for me that I think now I am getting to the point where I just don't want to be around people anymore. So I think that's why I immediately think of leaving and getting a divorce. Life with people is so hard. It's easier being alone. That said, I have found myself so isolated over my life that occasionally I meet people outside my small circle and I think, wow, that person is a lot like me, and it makes me think maybe I'm not so different.
But...I sought out this marriage because I do like and love my husband, and simultaneously have something deeply wrong with me that makes me prefer to be in a relationship even if I'm suffering in various ways than just being alone. I want to figure out why that is. I feel such a deep sense of duty to other people and to living a productive life.
I've also had 6 miscarriages over the years, between ages 20 and 30, and growing up as an only child I really wanted to have a larger family so my kids would have "people". I pretty much only ever saw my parents growing up. I hardly ever saw extended family and we moved a few times to different states, so my attachment bonds to other people are minimal and these days, it would be so nice to have a sibling I could call to talk to. So, another big reason why I got married is because I wanted kids. Not a good reason - totally get that.
The irony about that is I have a hard time being a good parent because I let my kids walk all over me. I feel like I'm being mean if I discipline them. I have been working on this and have been able to successfully set better boundaries lately, but it's really tough and I am constantly second-guessing myself. I hate that I am not giving my kids the discipline they need to grow up and be successful. My H is very cold and neglectful with our older kids (his son is 14 and my daughter is 10), and I'm very concerned especially about the 14 year old's ability to be successful as an adult (he has Aspergers), so this weighs heavily on my mind all the time. I can't help but think that my husband pays even less attention to his son now that we all live together than he did before when it was just the two of them living in his house. So part of this is also how do I do what's best for the kids without disrespecting my H? How do I become a better parent as well as W?
