Having a really tough day today. This is the first time since she left that I don't have my son and I'm feeling pretty crappy. I have plans for today and will be doing things, but I can't get her out of my head.
On another note, my son asked her if they can hang out (first time he will have seen her in weeks) and she said she'll come by the house after work on Monday. I told my son to ask her if they can go out or something. So they are going to her parent's house so he can see his grandparents as well.
I asked that of him because I don't want her hanging out at our house. I think because she walked out she needs to understand this isn't business as usual. Things aren't going to be the same because of the decision she made. I'm setting boundaries. Of course I didn't tell him any of this as that burden is not his.
M:2.5 T:8 H:31 W:27 S:12 BD:1/4/2018 W Moved Out: 1/8/2018 OM Confirmed: 2/19/18
Quick question: My wife hasn't seen me in weeks, how is she supposed to notice the changes I'm making? I know I'm making them for myself and I do feel better for it, but I would like for her to have a chance to see them.
M:2.5 T:8 H:31 W:27 S:12 BD:1/4/2018 W Moved Out: 1/8/2018 OM Confirmed: 2/19/18
Quick question: My wife hasn't seen me in weeks, how is she supposed to notice the changes I'm making? I know I'm making them for myself and I do feel better for it, but I would like for her to have a chance to see them.
Very common question! Here's the part you won't like: if she believes for even a second that you are making these changes *for* her it will set you back.
Why? Because (1) she'll believe it's a tactic to get her back and the minute she does come back you'll revert to whatever you were doing before and/or (2) she'll resent you because if you had made these changes *before* she wouldn't have gone through all that grief and been forced to leave, and now, only after she leaves do you take action.
So the key is that you cannot peacock your changes at all. Not even a little bit. If you're not doing it for yourself, then it's not believable. If you're doing it for yourself, you don't care who's looking.
Make sense?
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I asked that of him because I don't want her hanging out at our house. I think because she walked out she needs to understand this isn't business as usual. Things aren't going to be the same because of the decision she made. I'm setting boundaries.
This still feels a little backwards to me. You are framing all of your thoughts and actions around HER and not around you.
In other words, your phrasing should be "I think because she walked out, this isn't business as usual." It isnt about what she thinks or feels, its about what YOU think and feel. You arent setting boundaries to prove a point to HER, you are setting them to protect YOU.
I asked that of him because I don't want her hanging out at our house. I think because she walked out she needs to understand this isn't business as usual. Things aren't going to be the same because of the decision she made. I'm setting boundaries.
This still feels a little backwards to me. You are framing all of your thoughts and actions around HER and not around you.
In other words, your phrasing should be "I think because she walked out, this isn't business as usual." It isnt about what she thinks or feels, its about what YOU think and feel. You arent setting boundaries to prove a point to HER, you are setting them to protect YOU.
Good point - I have a habit of doing that...doh
On another note, has anyone worked with Leni before? That's the counselor assigned to me.
M:2.5 T:8 H:31 W:27 S:12 BD:1/4/2018 W Moved Out: 1/8/2018 OM Confirmed: 2/19/18
Update: My son went with her to her mom's house and hung out for a few hours after which she dropped him off at football practice. She messaged me when she dropped him off and we had a nice, positive conversation. No relationship talk, but it was light and friendly with some 'haha' and 'lol' mixed in for the first time since she left. She asked about our taxes to which I told her I will try to get them done this Wednesday and I will message her with the results. The conversation lasted around 10 minutes or so and we exchanged roughly 20 messages. I made sure to be the one to end the conversation, but I did not act aloof. I tried that in our two previous conversations and it did not feel right.
My son told me she came in the house to get him and when she came inside she stopped and looked around and said "Oh my god, the house is so clean!"
I do find it sort of odd since she just complimented me through email a few days ago saying the house looks great. It may have been surprising that I kept it clean.
I have my first phone session tonight with Leni and I'm eager to hear what action plan we will put in place.
M:2.5 T:8 H:31 W:27 S:12 BD:1/4/2018 W Moved Out: 1/8/2018 OM Confirmed: 2/19/18
I had my first phone session with Leni last night and it went well. She gave me hope and believes our situation is fixable. I spent a significant amount of time explaining everything to her starting from how we first met all the way up until today, with as much detail as possible.
She provided me with a few actionable items that I will use over the next week or so. I will be scheduling another session for 7-10 days from now. During our next session we will discuss a more concrete action plan and gauge what is working and what isn't working.
I'm glad I've been journaling everything as it made the process much easier.
M:2.5 T:8 H:31 W:27 S:12 BD:1/4/2018 W Moved Out: 1/8/2018 OM Confirmed: 2/19/18
Update: I messaged her tonight to let her know I finished the taxes and how I think we should file. She agreed and was pleasant throughout the conversation. She was excited to see how much she was getting back. She said she would like to give me the rest of the money for her phone so it isn't an issue anymore. She also wants to schedule payments for her health insurance, car insurance, and phone bill. I provided her with a schedule and how much she owes since January to which she agreed. I ended the conversation with a pleasant "have a good night."
For me, the reality set in a little more that she is gone, but at the same time I realize this is strictly logistics. It doesn't change the progress I'm making for myself. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
M:2.5 T:8 H:31 W:27 S:12 BD:1/4/2018 W Moved Out: 1/8/2018 OM Confirmed: 2/19/18
