Hi everyone, I've recently joined the forum and have been reading like crazy. Picked up copies of DB and DR this weekend, and reading and soaking up as fast as I can.
Our abbreviated background... I'm 44, H is also 44, Married to H 22 years, friends/dating 7 years before that; 4 kids- (special needs) s21, s19, s 16, d13. After 1st son born I, like many others that I'm reading about, shifted and put all my focus on being a mom, which just continued with each new child. H would mention every year or 2 that I don't communicate with him anymore, or show affection or initiate sex (telling me his needs). I would try for a while, but stop. Maybe because I didn't get anything in return, or maybe I was depressed (history of depression from youth).
Anyway, the last 2 years have been much better. The kids are older, can pretty much get themselves whereever they need to be. We have been having regular date nights, weekends away, etc. Then out of the blue, BD 12/20/17 (one day before family arrives for the holiday), but he says we don't need to talk about it until after my birthday (late January). As soon as family left I couldn't wait. He says he is tired of pulling his hair, trying everything, out to save our marriage (the only thing he ever actually did was tell me that he needed more affection, attention, he never actually DID anything. He kept saying he always wondered what he was doing wrong. I have, over the last several years, told him he has done nothing wrong, something is wrong in me. He said he was done trying, he didn't want to live the rest of his life this way, he wanted to get out while he still time.
Needless to say I've done all the wrong things, until last week, begging, pursuing, etc. I have started counseling, and started telling him pretty much everything I'm feeling. I was also trying to show more affection. He started working later, started sleeping outside in his hunting trailer. He spends pretty much every minute he is home on his phone, facebook, who knows what else. He's never home on the weekends. We did tell all the kids, except the oldest (special needs).
I know the issued aren't all mine. He is not an easy person to communicte with (my boys say this too). He is a bit of a narcissist, and he has admitted to being manipulative to get what he wants. But he won't go to counseling, does not want to work on the marriage.
He's been telling me to work on myself, we'll see what happens later. I took me almost a month to listen. Last week I finally stopped texting him. If I need to say something I wait till he's home later. I'm still nice to him, invite him to do whatever the rest of us are doing. But he doesn't usually take me up on it. I am working on finding my interests again, he said last night he is proud of me for that, but he just doesn't think his feelings will ever change. I keep getting the ILYINILWY. Oh, and he has an addictive personality (drugs in the past, different activities, pretty much anything he does he gets addicted to, and he has adult ADD). He does say he's confused, and I can tell he's depressed.
We've gotten to this point once before, and close to this point a few times, all of which happed right around the same time as an OW starts to pay attention to him. I'm afraid to ask him this time if there is someone else. He has had a PA, not sure if he's ever had EA. I'm afraid to ask if there's someone else.
Thanks for reading this far. I know it's all jumbled. Any advice from anyone is always welcom.
